1. Coming in late and having to shuffle up to the front pews, full of shame
2. Not knowing whether to genuflect or not, so just doing a weird little bob before you sit down
3. Letting out a big “AND ALSO WITH YOU” instead of “And with your spirit”
4. Then having to stop halfway through the Nicene Creed because what’s this they’re saying at all
5. Trying not to laugh at the one person in the congregation who insists on tunelessly singing along with the choir
6. And the one person who’s about five miles behind everyone with the responses. “The Lord graciously hear us… …. …. … … hear us.”
7. Inadvertently racing with that other person who insists on saying the prayers at lightning speed
8. When the priest tries to crack a joke in the homily and everyone gives that weird chuckle like “Ah, he tried”
9. Turning this way and that trying to find someone, anyone to offer the Sign of Peace to
10. Getting a wet rag of a handshake off someone and hoping you didn’t outwardly show your disgust
11. Trying to figure out a) what’s the going rate for the collection plate these days, b) if you have the cash and c) what to do if you don’t have the cash
12. When the priest attempts to sing the “Through him, with him, in him” bit and everyone just looks on like “Ah, he tried”
13. Kneeling down after Communion and hoping you look as if you’re deep in prayerful thought
14. Catching someone looking at you as you’re fighting to scraaaaaaaape the wafer off the roof of your mouth
15. And peeking at the person next to you to see when it’s ‘acceptable’ to sit back down again
16. Making a run for it after Communion and feeling the watchful eyes of God (and the rest of the congregation) upon you
17. Or sticking around until the very end and getting interrogated about what you’re up to now by at least five of your mam’s acquaintances. It’s the law
