MEN WITH BACK hair have to put up with many treacherous issues in their grooming lives – and the situation is certainly not made any easier by the onset of summer.
So, for the majority of the world’s population that don’t have back hair, there are some things the guys with it would like you to know:
1. We are very aware that it is a controversial body issue
Who doesn’t have an opinion on back hair? Guys lucky enough to have some growth back there are well aware of its divisive nature. That might even be part of its appeal once you’ve fully embraced the covered back.
2. And we know that the ‘experts’ say it isn’t sexy
As GQ’s ‘comprehensive guide to men’s grooming’ succinctly put it:
All the experts (and lady friends) we consulted agree: Back hair is never sexy.
There isn’t a grooming guru out there who would recommend keeping back hair in all its glory. Luckily, those people that have back hair are not grooming experts’ target market.
3. There are back hair brethren out there who choose to wax it, and that’s cool too
Nobody should be forced to maintain back hair they don’t want. They’re still part of the family, though.
4. You will inevitably get this helpful suggestion at some point in your life
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It could be a friend, it could be a lover, it could be a worried family member. The advice will usually come in the shape of a simple question:
Would you ever think of just getting it waxed?
5. It can make your back a little too hot in the summer time
6. But also, during the winter you practically have a blanket on there to keep you warm
And all the naysayers will be huddling around you for precious warmth.
7. When you go to the beach, things can and will get awkward
8. The more glam the location, the more prominent the back hair feels
You could be surrounded by the likes of:
It’s all about context: boiling Miami Beach surrounded by models? Back hair rising. Cold, stony Donegal coast? Not so much of an aesthetic issue.
9. But there are no other times you’re topless in public, so swimming is the only time it’s necessary
It’s not like you’re trying to offend members of the public with your back hair. It’s just swimming in a tshirt isn’t as good craic.
10. Sometimes we have doubts whether back hair is really OK
Like, we don’t actually want to look like we’re from the 1970s. As Slate columnist and vocal defender of the back hair Mark Joseph Stern explains, sometimes it’s truly hard to love your back hair:
Why do I so revile my back hair? That’s easy—because almost everybody else does. All other once-taboo forms of body hair now have their partisans, from pubes and armpits to feet and faces.
11. We know that chest hair is socially acceptable, almost to the point of desirable
Chances are, if you have back hair you will have chest hair. One you can be proud of, while the other is your secret shame underneath your shirt.
Why is this the case? We still don’t know.
12. We can handle the sweater jokes
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Just try and give them a semblance of originality, please.
13. Shoulder hair is as much of an issue as back hair for us
You see, shoulder hair actually has a good chance of being visible under a regular tshirt, infringing into our public, clothes-wearing life.
14. We suspect back hair is slightly more common than we ever get to see around the place
Between waxing, shaving and just straight up covering it up, all men with back hair believe there are more of us out there than society will ever let on.
15. We’re aware that Hollywood is slow to show back hair, but that might be changing
As Vulture points out, Seth Rogen’s appearance in Bad Neighbours was somewhat pioneering in the history of Hollywood – it actually showed back hair.
Hard for other people to watch, excellent for those with back hair.
16. The longer you have it, the more proud of it you become
Like anything, you start out self conscious about your back hair until you get to the point where you just have to accept back hair as your friend. Sure, a friend that horrifies others, but a friend nonetheless – as Slate’s defence of back hair summed up well:
Our culture’s irrational and destructive fear of back hair is a ridiculous relic that deserves no respect in our enlightened times. It’s time to throw off the shackles of back-hair-phobia and usher in a new era of body tolerance. This weekend, I’m wearing my tank top. You can stare if you want—I’ll take it as a compliment.
Truth.
