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Dublin: 10 °C Tuesday 19 March, 2024
Knifey Spooney

Eating burgers with a knife and fork is grand and we'll hear nothing against it

And pizza too. Yes. You heard us.

matthew Channel 4 Channel 4

ON SUNDAY, ACTOR Matthew Lewis ate pizza with a knife and fork on live TV, and viewers were scandalised.

But what was wrong with his actions? Why should he be vilified for eating food neatly?

We can’t let this slander against people who eat burgers and pizza with a knife and fork go unanswered. JUSTICE FOR THE CUTLERY-WIELDERS.

So first things first – burgers are super difficult to eat

Awsome week-ender Instagram / senyoritamary Instagram / senyoritamary / senyoritamary

Seriously. Bite into one and more often than not, the contents go flying out the other side. You get sauce all over your hands, sauce all over your face – this is not a good food experience.

Secondly, some people don’t feel comfortable going to town on a burger in a public place

Ci2wP5YWUAA5UmV Twitter / @d2falex Twitter / @d2falex / @d2falex

And we should respect that.

And thirdly, most burgers are fecking MASSIVE

Jaw-dislocatingly massive.

Instagram / maria_vrj Instagram / maria_vrj / maria_vrj

Cutting a burger in half is the safe option. Cutting it into quarters is even better.

Some women also have the chin-lipstick problem to consider

Cutting up the burger keeps your lipstick (mostly) on your lips, and your dignity intact.

As for pizza – well, it’s hot, and you never know when those toppings are going to go sliding off

CirOkB_UYAANFKe Instagram@stevier_mgc Instagram@stevier_mgc

Best cut it up to be sure.

In closing, cutlery is the saviour of neat freaks and small-mouthed people everywhere

burgerfork_censored Twitter / @lomaxx Twitter / @lomaxx / @lomaxx

We will not be silenced. *holds fork aloft in solidarity*

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