AS WE HEAD into August and the humidity and heat simply refuse to go away, it’s time to ask ourselves, is there any release from this humid hell? Also, what’s in store for me for the next month?
If you don’t believe in horoscopes I get it, tell me your sign so I can tell you why
— serinna (@sxrinna96) July 23, 2018
Aquarius: January 20th – February 18th
August is going to the month of Saturn which means your life is going to get increasingly better. Or so you keep telling yourself and your friends who keep asking you why you’re constantly on Tinder. You’ll find the right person but you’ll just have to keep sifting through those dick pics and terrible one-liners for a bit longer. Trying praying to the moon.
Electric Picnic act most suited to your sign: Friendly Fires
Pisces: February 18th – March 20th
Everyone always seems to have it out for Pisces and this month is no different. Everything that can go wrong will go wrong and it’s all beyond your control due to the planets and the stars. Try again next month.
Electric Picnic act most suited to your sign: Ben Howard
Aries: March 21st – April 19th
We’ve all made decisions that we’ve regretted such as stealing someone’s drink at the bar or continuing on with a Netflix series when you promised you wouldn’t. Some of those decisions are definitely going to come back and bite you on the arse this month. I hope Queer Eye was worth it.
Electric Picnic act most suited to your sign: Cigarettes After Sex
Taurus: April 20th – May 20th
August is going to be your month mainly because the summer sales are on and you’re going to buy yourself some banging outfits. The lads in Diceys won’t know what’s hit them.
Electric Picnic Act most suited to your sign: CHVRCHES
Gemini: May 21st – June 20th
Given the weather and your inability to make a decision, trying to pick an outfit for yourself at the moment is an absolute nightmare. Have you considered just wearing a swimsuit for the entire month of August?
Electric Picnic Act most suited to your sign: Wolf Alice
Cancer: June 21st – July 22nd
Your timid yet kind nature is going to enable you to get what you want in August. You’ll finally have the confidence to ask for Bulmers rather than Orchard Thieves because let’s face it, it’s just alcoholic apple juice.
Electric Picnic act most suited to your sign: George Ezra
Leo: July 23rd – August 22nd
August is YOUR month which means you’re more than likely going to be celebrating your birthday for the entire month. This, of course, is the ONLY correct way to celebrate it. Beware the lurking Pluto who could bring some misfortune in the form of work-related issues. It’s time to tell your boss (in the words of Malcolm in the Middle) ‘you’re not the boss of me now’. You can do it.
Electric Picnic act most suited to your sign: Dua Lipa
Virgo: August 23rd – September 22nd
It’s a month of big changes for you so naturally, you’re going procrastinate all of it until the very last minute. That being said, Mercury and Venus are totally in your corner this month plus it’s your birthday so it’s all good things. Apart from the procrastination. Sort that out.
Electric Picnic act most suited to your sign: Massive Attack
Libra: September 23rd – October 22nd
A suitable combination of Uranus and Neptune means you’re going to want to take more risks this month. Changing up your coffee order is about as far as you’re willing to go but hey coconut milk is better than regular right? At least you’re pissing off that little girl in the Irish Dairy ads.
Electric Picnic act most suited to your sign: Kendrick Lamar
Scorpio: October 23rd – November 21st
You’re determined to stick it to the man this month because summer is nearly over and it’s the only time of the year when you’re not anxious. Use this time wisely and tell Paul that you really fancy him and would love to go for a drink with him. It doesn’t matter if he’s your best friends ex.
Electric Picnic act most suited to your sign: N.E.R.D.
Sagittarius: November 22nd – December 21st
Your mother won’t leave you alone about getting married and your mother in law won’t leave you alone about having a baby. You’re just going to have to tell them that the moons of Jupiter mean you can’t make a major life decision until they come back into alignment in 2020. That should get them off your back.
Electric Picnic act most suited to your sign: St Vincent
Capricorn: December 22nd – January 19th
The heatwave is continuing despite your protests and you’re making all sorts of deals with the devil in the hope that the humidity might die down. You’ve even taken to reading your horoscope in the hope that it will help. It won’t.
Electric Picnic act most suited to your sign: The Kooks
