TODAY THIS FRANKLY preposterous depiction of what you should have achieved at certain stages in your life is doing the rounds.
You should have purchased your first home at 27, had your second child by 31, etc.
We’ve put together the real stages of every Irish person’s life, from teens to retirement…
Age 14: First shift in the local playground/graveyard/Quinnsworth car park
Age 17: Nervous breakdown over CAO form. Put Medicine down first, ‘just in case’
Age 18: Leaving Cert. Leave final exam after 45 minutes, burn school tie while leaving building
Age 19: Move out of home for four months. Finally get the ride
Age 19 and a half: Move back home again due to storage heater PTSD and an inability to keep your only towel dry
Age 20: Wonder if you’re getting a Goldschlager and Tuborg-related ulcer
Age 21: Get 10 driving lessons for your 21st. Use them immediately but render them pointless by not being able to afford any more lessons/a car/car insurance until you’re at least 26. Try to get away without having to sit on a chair and be slobbered on 21 times at your 21st birthday party. Fail miserably.
Age 22: Feel very avant garde as you cook your first stir fry
Age 22 and a half: Meet someone on a night out and go home with them for 2 days. Housemate gets concerned and calls your mam. You will never live this down
Age 23: Buy your first tea towel. Don’t use it for four months out of fear of ‘dirtying it’
Age 24: Buy your first frying pan. Don’t use it for 3 months out of fear of ‘wrecking it’
Age 24 and a half: Buy a second set of bedclothes to use when your only set are in the wash. Feel exceptionally grown up.
Age 25: Get invited to your first wedding, feel very adult and important
Age 26: Become jaded with people getting engaged on Facebook. Start hiding them from your timeline. Consider online dating
Age 27: Get invited to your 14th wedding. Consider setting yourself on fire. Stop bothering to partake in the first dance/cake cutting bits
Ages 27 – 30 and beyond: Spend the days after weddings lying in a darkened room watching 17 episodes of Parks and Recreation and ordering chinese takeaways just for the chips and tins of Fanta
Age 28: Move to your 9th rented accomodation in 8 years. Rejoice as you are finally solvent enough to reject anywhere with storage heaters.
Age 28 and a bit: Turns out they were storage heaters after all. Become resigned to your storage heater fate
Age 29: Call in sick for a week in order to binge watch The Gilmore Girls on Netflix. Best week of your life to be honest
Age 30: Finally meet a nice girl/boy. Turns out your mate shifted them last year in Coppers. Wonder if this makes it too weird for you to go out with them
Age 30 and a bit: It was too weird. Back to Tinder.
Age 31: Buy your first avocado. Worry about how ripe it is for three days. Leave it too long and have to throw it away
Age 32: Break it to your mother that you’re thinking of not coming home for Christmas this year, and going to your girlfriend’s/boyfriend’s instead.
Age 33: Your mother starts speaking to you again
Age 35: Start obsessively counting how many fertile years you have left in you. Google “adoption, just in case”
Age 39:Suddenly have three kids. Google “educate together schools + waiting lists”
Age 40: Go to Electric Picnic in a bid to feel young and hip. Give up and leave on Sunday morning, crippled with paranoia about failing the inevitable breathalyser even though you stopped drinking at 7pm on Saturday
Age 45: Give in and buy a people carrier. Spend the next 11 years paying for it
Age 46: Go and see ACDC in concert. Never feel more alive
Age 55: Rejoice as your kids finally leave home and you can buy booze again without the fear of it instantly vanishing no matter how many locks you put on the drinks cabinet
Age 65: Retire. Get a smartphone and send texts to your kids that end up on the internet.
Age 70+: Give absolutely no f**ks
