FEELING A STRANGE sense of doom? A nagging January-based anxiety that you just can’t shake?
Don’t worry. You’re in the early stages of Janxiety.
Here are some more warning signs:
1. Still staying up until 3am
The tiredness of the world is upon you after a festive period of staying up until all hours watching Peep Show boxsets and Patriot Games for the 4th time. Sure you had no alarms to set, you had remnants of selection boxes to eat, and you had bottles of Baileys to polish off.
Now that it’s time to get back into a routine, and you’re just not ready. One more episode. Just the one.
2. Bookmarking 14 butternut squash soup recipes
Every receptacle in your kitchen is about to be turned orange. You’re going to be boiling and blending like there’s no tomorrow.
Butternut squash is going to be the saviour of 2016. No more spice bags. No more doing four ‘big shops’ a week whichmostly consist of bread, various cheeses, and a bag of salad that’s going to go off in the fridge before you go anywhere near it.
3. Purchasing a new set of lunchboxes
You need somewhere to keep all the butternut squash soup and the sweet potato curry.
4. Considering investing in a small chest freezer
You need an overflow freezer for all the extra butternut squash soup and chicken breasts.
5. Nutribullet envy
You KNEW you should have asked for one for Christmas, rather than pyjamas and tickets to Adele and autobiographies that you’ll almost certainly never read. Now everyone else in the office is going to be smugging around with their green sludgy elixirs of health, and you’ll be crying along to Someone Like You.
At least you’ll have your soup.
6. Fretting about money
Sure, when you got paid early in December you were all “no way, I’ll get this round. Put your wallet away” and “seven packs of Bacon Fries too please”, but now faced with six weeks between paychecks you’re not so chipper.
Maybe go home to your mam and dad. Your dad might slip you a tenner for petrol. Your mam might give you a chicken to take back with you.
7. Resenting the Christmas tree
Oh sure, when you bought it you were all “lash on the Christmas CD there” and “will we splash out on a few decorations in Marks?”.
Now it’s just a giant dead branch in your sitting room. A giant dead branch that you have to clear all the shite off (can you BELIEVE you spent €7 on ONE bauble in that kip Marks and Spencer?) and somehow get rid of.
8. Extreme Christmas nostalgia
Remember the good natured fighting over the Jenga? Remember when mam burned the sprouts? Remember when it was perfectly acceptable to have a glass of prosecco at 11am?
Now it’s all gone. It will never be Christmas again. Ever.
9. Coming down with something
Oh, there’s the sore throat of doom. Right on cue. Better spend €17 on remedies in Boots. Berocca and the like.
But don’t despair too much. Soon the Jannui will pass and the lambs will be lepping in the field and it will be time to decide what Easter egg you’re getting.
Now, look at this pig: