MORE THAN A million people across Ireland tuned in for the finale of Love/Hate’s fourth season last night.
Here’s how it went down:
1. Janet is going a bit cold on her little Nidgeweasel
We see him pulling his socks on in the brothel, presumably after they’ve been engaging in a special cuddle. He gives her a cheeky grin but only gets what any normal self-respecting Irish male would recognise as The Look.
Danger, Nidge. Danger.
2. Wayne is the Nelson Muntz of gangland
Wayne also has a high level of cycling proficiency. At least, that’s what we assume after he asks his pal to pull a wheelie, and then laughs in the guy’s face when he falls over.
Bit harsh considering Wayne’s hobby is shooting cats.
3. Andrew The Dentist is back in with his wife
He packs her and the kids off for the weekend so he can do the deal in peace… only to receive an unexpected bonus in the form of a smooch. And being told “You can sleep in our room if you like.”
Andrew The Dentist looks dead chuffed.
4. Nidge’s green anorak is the new Darren’s blue hoodie
He is rarely seen without it. Except on the rare occasions where he swaps it out for another anorak. Nidge and Bertie Ahern: Ireland’s two most famous anorak fans.
6. Wayne pays attention in school
At least during, um, gun class.
When Elmo asks him about his nerves, he just says “I don’t have nerves” before launching into this charming exchange.
7. Vengeance for the Love/Hate cat!
While Wayne is digging around for the Glock, his former pal who he mocked for falling off his bike appears behind him and shoots him deader than Mickey Joe Harte’s pop career.
And THAT is why you never mock a Dublin teenager’s wheelie skills.
At least someone was pleased:
8. Nidge vs Limerick
Janet ‘gives’ Nidge a present, in the form of a foxy new Lithuanian girl by the name of Violet. (When she appeared on screen my girlfriend said: “Look at her abs!”)
Janet tells Violet that Nidge “likes to kiss”. (Aww, sweet.) Nidge asks her where she was before, and she says “Limereeck”. To which he charmingly responds “Bet you’re glad to see the back of that kip.”
Thus setting up the plot for Season Five, in which the Limerick posse seek vengeance.
9. Fran has new teeth!
Look at them there. He must have got Andrew to fix them up.
He’s also deeply, deeply miffed with Nidge who he says has “cut him out”. We see Fran plotting darkly with his pal Deano, whose primary function seems to be hanging around listening to Fran plotting darkly.
10. Keith Duffy isn’t growing boobs
He says he’s trying out for Mr Universe in a couple of months and is “on the brown rice and turkey breast f**kin morning noon and night”. So now you know Boyzone’s tour rider.
Aido later explains that he’s on steroids, and also “that other stuff as well that stops your tits growing.” So now.
11. Andrew The Dentist knows the important of moisturising regularly
He’s all up in his wife’s en-suite, plastering himself in her Seven Hour Renewal Cream or whatever. Sap.
12. …But it does him no good.
Fran kills him with a plastic bag, partially because he realises Andrew’s a rat and partially, well, just for the hell of it. That’s Fran.
13. Nidge sets Tommy up
Realising that his old pal is a bit of a liability, he sets it up so Tommy is the only one in contact with the drug shipment. He promises Tommy enough money to take Siobhan and their kid away forever if all goes well.
I think we all know it’s not going to go well.
14. Sure enough, Tommy has a mishap
Following an uncomfortable conversation in which he asks Nidge if he had Darren clipped, Tommy ups and has some kind of terrible haemorrhage. He collapses and starts bleeding from his nose and ears.
Will SOMEBODY get him some fizzy orange?
15. Luckily, Dr Elmo is on hand
“It’s not just a nosebleed Nidge!” he explains as Tommy lies unconscious on the floor.
Good man Elmo. Thanks.
16. Detective Moynihan is a man of good heart
After agonising for a bit, he sends in the ambo for Tommy rather than waiting to nab Nidge with the drugs.
17. Nidge gets away with it, the jammy dodger
It’s a bit stressful for a while as you can tell from this face. However, Nidge ends up getting away with it. And all thanks to Tommy’s nosebleed.
18. And after all this, Nidge STILL wants the ride
He heads home to Trish for a quickie. And it is a quickie. It’s all over in about 20 seconds.
Poor, unsatisfied Trish. #PrayForTrish #OrgasmsForGangsterWivesNow.
19. Siobhan is really miffed
“I’ll do whatever I can to help you get Nidge,” she tells Detective Moynihan. Thus neatly cueing up some continuing problems for Season Five.
20. Nidge *literally* pisses on the guards’ cornflakes
Well, on their milk anyway. In a bizarre coda to the season he rocks up at a garda station, wees on the milk outside the door, and gets himself arrested.
Then he goes bonkers in his cell and starts punching the walls and scratching his chest. It’s all very puzzling.
And that’s it for Season Four. What did you think?