OVER THE PAST few years, Gwyneth Paltrow has transitioned from acting to hawking bizarre beauty treatments and lifestyle changes.
1. Like the time she revealed that she likes to get stung by bees
Last year, the actress told The New York Times that she had been voluntarily stung by bees in the name of wellness:
I’ve been stung by bees. It’s a thousands of years old treatment called apitherapy. People use it to get rid of inflammation and scarring. It’s actually pretty incredible if you research it. But, man, it’s painful.
2. *strokes chin*
A few months ago, Paltrow was criticised for extolling the virtues of inserting jade eggs into your vagina. Goop published a blog post claiming that jade eggs could “help cultivate sexual energy,” “increase orgasm,” “intensify feminine energy,” and “invigorate our life force”.
Needless to say, doctors do not endorse invigorating your life force by placing jade eggs inside your fanny.
3. Are you sure, Gwynnie?
That time she encouraged women to apply liberal amounts of olive oil to their vaginas.
Topically, you can apply vitamin E oil or olive oil to the labia to help moisturise and strengthen the vaginal tissue
Things you should apply olive oil to: bruschetta. Things you absolutely do not need to apply olive oil to: vaginas!
4. HOW DARE YOU PROMOTE WEEING IN THE SHOWER?
That time she advised women to pee in the shower while squatting down to “engage your pelvic floor”.
Try peeing in the shower squatting down. When you squat to pee as opposed to sitting up straight on the toilet, you automatically engage your pelvic floor and it naturally stretches and tones.
Yeah, no. We shan’t be doing that.
5. *snigger*
Two years ago, Gwyneth Paltrow decided to see if she could live on a $29 grocery shop and spent an inexplicably large portion of the budget on limes.
Needless to say, she didn’t last the week.
6. Oh nice, must try some
Last year, Gwynnie shared a recipe for her breakfast smoothie, which contains “sex dust,” “ashwagandha,” and “ho shou wu“.
Hmm, we might stick to the Tropicana.
7. Of course she does.
8. In which Gwyneth Paltrow assumes you don’t really know how to yawn
A few years ago, Gwyneth decided to take it upon herself to teach the plebeians how to really yawn and published a step-by-step guide.
Gwyneth, thank you. What would we do without you?
9. Oh great.
Relatable!
10. And finally… the holy grail
The time she urged readers to cleanse their uterus with a “combination of infrared and mugwort steam”.
*skull emoji*
