AMERICANS, GET READY for the Penneys invasion.
Earlier this week, it was announced that the European fashion retailer has struck a deal with US chain Sears to open its first stores across the pond.
Oh American pals, we have much to teach you. Take a seat, and learn of the wonders of Penneys.
1. You’ll need serious willpower to walk straight past the shelves of temptation by the tills
If you don’t you’ll leave the store not only with the item you came for, but 20 dollars’ worth of lint rollers, socks, and exfoliating foot masks. Not ideal.
2. Don’t waste your time on the changing rooms
Too busy. Just head straight for one of the full-length mirrors and disrobe.
Or if you’re really hardcore, just buy it in your normal size, try on in the comfort of your own home and return if required (NOTE: You’ll definitely forget to return it).
3. Choose your browsing time carefully
Avoid going at the weekend at all if possible, but especially if you are stressed or hungover.
You’ll find that there’s something almost blissful about an early morning Penneys browse. The peace! The cleanliness!
4. Don’t buy absolute sh*te just because it’s cheap
Ryan Gosling knickers.
Badly punctuated t-shirts.
Both have been available to purchase at one stage in Penneys. Both have been around or under €5. Both are definitely languishing at the back of wardrobes/knicker drawers across the country, unworn.
5. Don’t believe the hangers
They lie. The tag stitched on to the actual garment is your only man.
6. Be prepared to match with EVERYONE
You’ll probably see approximately 150 people wearing the same $10 top. This is normal, and nothing to get upset about.
7. Learn the lingo
It’s very simple. If someone compliments any part of your outfit, you MUST say “Thanks, Primark/Penneys!” and you MUST tell them the price. It’s the rule.
