1. RTÉ
Nothing on RTÉ is deserving of the licence fee. Absolutely nothing.
Not that dose Tubridy, not that shite Fair City, not your wan Miriam, not that moaner Joe Duffy, not that crap Love/Hate.
Nothing.
Get away out of that, you LOVE it.
2. People from other nations claiming to be ‘Irish’
Listen, if you weren’t born in one of the four provinces, and if you don’t know the difference between a Macaroon and a Kalipso, you’re not Irish, right?
We don’t care how many of your great-granddaddies came on the boat from Cobh.
3. Begrudgery
It’s a terrible sin to be a begrudger in Ireland.
If someone does well for themselves you can’t say anything negative about them or their achievements , lest you be labelled a “typical begrudger”.
A worse sin though, is doing too well for yourself, getting above your station, or developing notions. Then begrudgery is grand, welcomed even.
4. Peig Sayers
Peig Sayers ruined your school years, didn’t she? You hate her and her Blasket-living, Irish-speaking, headscarf-wearing carry on.
However, if someone who didn’t “do” Peig for the Leaving starts talking rot about Peig, there will be serious chats to be had. Nobody talks rot about our Peig, except us.
5. Waste
Consider these scenarios:
Scenario number one:
You cook up a bit of mince for the dinner. There’s a tiny bit left over and instead of wasting it, you place it in a Tupperware container ‘for lunch’ the next day, so as not to waste it.
The next day you fail to eat the mince, and instead purchase a chicken fillet roll.
This is repeated for eight days, until you finally throw the mince – Tupperware container and all – into the bin.
Scenario number two:
You spy a “two for the price of one” offer in the supermarket. You buy two for the price of one, telling yourself “I’ll put one in the freezer for the dinner”, delighted with yourself for not wasting money.
You never eat it. You throw it away 6 months later when it becomes stuck to the roof of the freezer and you are forced to do an emergency defrost.
6. Bono
If anyone’s got notions, it’s Bono. Hanging around with the Clintons and the Obamas and the Jolie-Pitts and claiming to have saved the world.
Hate him.
Hang on though, he’s Irish. AND he’s in U2. AND he’s got the best bit in Do They Know It’s Christmas. AND he knows the Clintons, the Obamas and the Jolie-Pitts.
Love him.
7. Compliments
Someone praises your top/work/attitude/haircut, and you’re all:
When really you’re all:
