BEING AN ALTAR server is a rite of passage for many Irish children – your first ‘job’ (so to speak).
We might have looked all holy kneeling by the altar, but we were really thinking about everything but the prayers.
1. Most of the time, our reasons for becoming servers had little to do with religion
Religion was a draw for some, yes, but others might have been tempted by a potential half day at school to do the training.
Some may have liked the performance aspect of it. Even more might have heard about the selection boxes at Christmas and the money after weddings. There was much to be gained, in other words.
2. The gowns were ALWAYS far too long, or far too short
Either you were tripping over yourself like a fool, or everyone could see your box fresh Nike Air Max (ruining your carefully cultivated air of piety).
3. The job with the most responsibility was ringing the bells
There is an altar serving hierarchy, you know.
Every ex-server knows there’s nothing like giving the bell a good strong ring after ‘Do this in memory of me’. Nothing.
4. The chance to swing the thurible was also pretty coveted
Oh you want incense? We’ll give you incense.
5. But struggling with the big cross was the WORST
This was the dream:
- Lead the procession through the church to the altar, while carrying the big cross.
- Successfully get up the altar steps without tripping on your robes.
- Place the big cross into its assigned slot on the first go.
The reality, however, was standing there struggling to slot the cross in for a good two minutes, while the congregation gawked at you.
6. Shoddy bell-ringing was not to be tolerated
You had one job. One!
7. There was always that one altar server who couldn’t handle the incense
This boy? He secretly wants to puke his ring. Because you can’t stand in a cloud of incense without secretly wanting to puke your ring.
8. There was absolutely nowhere to hide if you started giggling
Did the soloist hit a terrible bum note? Did the priest trip a little going up the steps?
Was someone incredibly late with their “Lord graciously hear us”? Did a parishioner make a hames of their Prayer of the Faithful?
You had to find your zen, and fast.
9. And if you got lost, everyone could see you
You didn’t know when to sit or kneel so you started walking back to your seat but it was kneeling time and oh god oh god oh GOD.
10. Churches that had a gong instead of a regular bell were special
Who wouldn’t want to bash a bell with a mallet? We ask you.
11. Critiquing servers while attending Mass in another church was a must
“Oh, did she just take her little bow right at the altar, instead of going to the steps? Not what I would do, but… Interesting.”
12. And getting the few euros for serving a wedding or a funeral was key
This is why we do this, kids.
