IT’S THE FREAKIN’ weekend, baby, and you wanted to have you some fun.
But no – you promised your parents you’d go to a family gathering with distant relatives who can never seem to remember anything about you from one meeting to the next.
It doesn’t matter what age you are – you’ll always, always be asked a variation of these questions.
“Oh hello… *awkward pause*”
They’ve forgotten your name. They’re waiting for you to say it for them and spare everyone this misery. But what if you don’t, huh? WHAT IF YOU DON’T? (You will, you can’t stand the awkwardness.)
“You’re going into…what is it, third year now?”
To your extended family, you’re perpetually in your third year of college. Their shock on finding out that you’ve been finished college for approximately three years (or more) never lessens.
Sure doesn’t time fly, I remember when you were going in to Junior Infants, the Lordblessusandsaveus…
In other words, give them something they can boast about to their acquaintances. Whether you rise to the challenge or not, you’re going to be silently judged here.
“How is *ex-partner’s name* these days?”
Is there any way to answer this without your pride being bruised in some way? Maybe the best course of action is to break into a chorus of Beyoncé’s Single Ladies and just dance it out.
“Oh sure, grand-aunt! I’m not actually seeing anyone officially but I’m certainly getting my bit!”
That would shut them up. But in real life, you’ll just shake your head and blush a little.
“When’s the wedding?”
People think this is an absolutely gas thing to ask couples in long-term relationships. All you can do is act coy and pretend it’s something that might be on the agenda (even if it isn’t).
“And where are you living now?”
A thorough dissection of the area’s good and bad qualities will follow. Most of the time someone will chime in with a story of how their brother-in-law’s son’s friend got mugged “around there”.
Great. Thanks for that reassuring tidbit.
“And how is work going?”
This is someone else who didn’t hear your ten-minute long description of your daily duties to your other relative.
Prepare to answer this one (and all the others) another three times as the day wears on, and when you leave, remember that the next time you’ll have to do this all over again. ALL OVER AGAIN.