THIS WEEKEND WILL be the ultimate test of your physical and mental crowd-coping abilities as the festive season goes full throttle.
Pubs, paths, shopping centres and supermarkets will be packed with slow movers, spillers, talkers and gas tickets in Christmas jumpers.
Here are six good reasons to loathe the festive crowds…
1. The slow walkers
No, no, take your time. Stroll along casually taking up the entire path. We have nowhere better to be than BEHIND YOU, CURSING THE VERY DAY YOU WERE BORN.
2. The “no it’s grand I can manage” people
Rather than make two treks to the bar they insist on carrying six shots/five pints/7 Jaegerbombs.
Whose coat to they spill it on? YOUR COAT, THAT’S WHOSE COAT!
Shitehawks.
3. The people who have no idea what they’re doing in the supermarket
Oh, you might buy those crisps? Or maybe you’ll buy those ones? Maybe you’ll just wander around aimlessly for a while holding both bags, hitting me in the thighs with your basket?
PICK A BAG AND MOVE IT! WE HAVE VIENETTAS TO BUY!
4. People who decide to loiter by the bar
Listen buddy, at Christmas time you place your order, you collect your beverage and you made a hasty retreat back to a safe area.
You do NOT prop up the bar chatting to The Lads or The Gals while others helplessly wave their Visa Debits at the barman from over your shoulder.
MOVE!
5. The people with the overly elaborate Christmas jumpers
“Oh look at us, we’re SO GAS that our lights and dangly bits got all entangled. GET US MORE SHOTS FROM THE BAR”.
“Oh SORRY, did my Christmas jumper lights set your hair on fire? LOL”.
Move along please. There are 17 12 Pubs gangs lining up behind you, ready to annoy.
6. People who stop for ‘the chats”
There you are, tipping along the path, or in the pub on your way to the bathroom, or making a beeline for the checkout in the supermarket when two people decide that they absolutely MUST stop for The Chats, right in your way.
It’s Christmas fellas, take it somewhere else.
