1. “Yeah, sure I’ll check the stockroom now!”
This means one of the following:
- “I guess I’ll genuinely look for it, but only because I’m really bored.”
- “I already know for a fact it’s not in stock but I know you’re not going to believe me so I’ll go in and stare at the wall and count to thirty.”
- “Thank God, I really needed to check my phone. I’ll be back in a minute.”
2. “Hey, sorry. Just letting you know we’ll be closing in fifteen minutes.”
“Get out. Get out right now. Go home to your family. Leave us alone.”
3. “Is it OK to use Contactless?”
- “I cannot bear another second of small talk with you.”
- “Jesus Christ look at the queue behind you.”
4. “I’m really sorry about that.”
“I actually don’t care, but I just have to say sorry because it’s the polite thing to do.”
5. “OK, I’ll call [the relevant department] now and check.”
“I already know the answer is no and my superiors will get annoyed if I bother them again, so I’m going to make a fake phone call.”
6. “Don’t worry, I’ll fold that. It’s OK”
“You’re only making it worse. Just put it down and go somewhere far, far away.”
7. “Have you got a loyalty card?”
“I know you’re going to snap at me in 40 seconds and blame me if you forget to present it yourself and pay before your loyalty card is swiped. I’m asking out of fear.”
8. “Oh you don’t have a loyalty card? Would you like to sign up for one?”
“I have a feeling you’re a secret shopper.”
9. “Make sure you hang on to your receipt.”
“If you come back here without a receipt in three weeks and expect me to be able to do anything for you, I’m going to scream.”
10. “We actually don’t know when it’ll be in stock again. Sorry.”
“We actually don’t know when it’ll be back in stock again. Sorry. We don’t have a conspiracy to prevent you from purchasing this item.
11. “Yes, I’ll forward your complaint to the manager.”
“They will care even less than I do. In fact, they’ll probably laugh in my face if I tell them about your tiny concern in a shop you barely ever visit.”
