TODAY BROUGHT THE exciting news that everyone’s favourite portrait of Dublin gangland Love/Hate is maybe, possibly, perhaps being remade in the US.
So that got us thinking. We could definitely do with a few extra euro. What else could we dig out of the archives and option to America?
Here are five suggestions. Wealthy TV network producers can email us at firstname.lastname@example.org for full details. The rest of you, add your suggestions/casting ideas in the comments.
Is the US ready for the epic saga of Biddy and Miley, relocated to rural west Virginia? We say ‘well, holy God yes’. But only if it’s Sunday night and they’ve done all their homework.
They might have to spice up Miley’s affair storyline a bit for the Jerry Springer generation though. Perhaps if he lobbed the gob on a stripper with a heart of gold wearing a Confederate flag bikini?
Casting suggestion: Miley to be played by Clint Eastwood (gruff, dependable, vaguely from another era). Character of Biddy inhabited by Liza Minnelli (she already has the haircut).
2. Fortycoats & Co
We couldn’t find any footage from Fortycoats & Co. So here’s the original Fortycoats in Wanderly Wagon. (YouTube/marianphilips)
Another one that would probably need a little spicing up for the sex-and-violence-saturated audiences over there. (They have more than the two channels you know.)
We’re pitching James Gandolfini as crime boss Fortycoats, who roams the land in his flying shop selling illegal substances. He must escape the attentions of Jodie Foster, aka FBI Agent Whilomena (known to colleagues as the Whirligig Witch thanks to her no-nonsense attitude and love of helicopters).
3. The Den
It’s about time good old-fashioned children’s entertainment had a comeback. And what was better, or more old-fashioned, than the Den?
Ryan Seacrest is the obvious choice for the Ray D’Arcy/Ian Dempsey role. We’re a little worried that the crude puppetry of Zig and Zag would seem out of place in today CGI-enabled world. So for the duration of the show’s run, we would kindly offer to lease out Jedward.
(Failing that, maybe Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen would do it?)
4. Bachelor’s Walk
Jon Hamm plays Raymond, a wealthy young playboy sharing a Manhattan penthouse with Paul Giamatti (Barry) and Philip Seymour Hoffman (Michael). They get into a number of hilariously modern scrapes which are resolved each episode in amusing set-pieces that also deliver a useful moral lesson. But it’s all forgotten by the time the next episode rolls around!
5. Where In The World
The humble quiz show is long overdue a renaissance. We suggest a no-expense-spared reboot of Where In The World, with Tina Fey and Amy Poehler jointly taking on the Teresa Lowe role. (They’d need to include more sex jokes to keep the attention of the modern audience.)
As a sweetener, we could offer any US network free use of the original RTÉ sets. Sure they’re looking just as fresh now as the day they rolled out of the chipboard plant.