COFFEE IS A big part of our lives. We’re not sure why. It’s not particularly flavoursome and it’s basically terrible for you.
But somehow, we all keep going back for more.
Here are the 13 types of coffee drinker that can’t get enough of the tarry elixir:
1. The instant drinker
Sure, it has some lumps and bumps, but sure doesn’t it all add a bit of texture. The instant drinker is too busy for your fancy nonsense, coffee-flavoured hot water will have to do.
2. Syrupy wonders
These people attempt to disguise the taste of coffee with as much whipped cream and seasonal flavoured syrup as possible. The finished product often resembles a sundae. Both ‘ating and drinkin’ in that.
3. The snob
They refuse to visit popular chains, claiming that an independent coffee cart hidden in a ditch is the ‘best in Ireland’. Instant is a major no-no– only the finest arabica beans will do. They’ll drink it black, with no milk, and God forbid there’s no crema on the espresso.
4. The ‘fancy’ creation consumers
Coffee isn’t coffee without lashings of milk, foam and chocolate powder. They drink lattes, cappuccinos, macchiatos– and actually know what that means.
5. Frappuccino fanatics
There’s more cream and sugar in their cup than actual coffee. Basically, these people want a milkshake.
6. The bean aficionado
Bean aficionados can tell the difference between coffee from Colombia, Ethiopia, and Kenya with a simple smell. They SO over latte art, work on getting the acidity right first.
7. Caffeine addicts
Addicts don’t actually like the taste of coffee but need it to function. Can usually be spotted looking like dehydrated zombies, even after their fourth cup.
8. The clean-living decaf fan
The opposite of an addict. They like coffee for the taste, and as a result, are generally shamed and segregated among coffee slaves.
9. The former addict
They’ll tell you how bad coffee is for you, and the terrible headaches they used to get before they went cold turkey. Now they only drink organic green tea and are basically way better than you.
10. The haters
They’ll turn up their nose at anything remotely coffee flavoured or scented. Try to lure them in with coffee cake, chocolate or ice-cream and they’ll be sure to let you know how disgusting you are.
11. The thrill-seeker
The weirder the coffee, the better. Whether it’s lumpy Turkish coffee or Kopi Luwak (coffee berries eaten and excreted by an Asian palm civet), they’ll try it all.
12. The social drinker
“We should go for coffee,” actually means something to them. This lot don’t really have a clue about the ins and outs of ordering and can usually be seen staring gormlessly at the menu board while trying to figure out which is the smallest out of a venti and a grande.
13. Nespresso owners
Knows everything there is to know about nespresso machines and their corresponding capsules because they saw George Clooney with one and just had to have it. Now they have a strange loyalty to the brand. Slate it and die.