THIS POST IS indebted to this Reddit thread, among other disgusting things. Are you ready?
1. Fart loudly when alone
It’s the little luxuries.
2. Get a text, imagine your reply, and then realise hours later that you never replied
3. Sit comfortably with a hand down your pants
It’s not a sexual thing. It just sort of… happens sometimes for comfort reasons.
4. Win devastating arguments with people in your head
And then feel weirdly angry with them when you next meet.
5. Try to work out a way to secretly sniff your armpit without anyone noticing
6. Check to see not just the number of likes your Facebook pic got, but WHO liked it
7. Pick your nose and examine the results
Otherwise how will you know if your brain is leaking?
8. Pick up your underwear from the floor with your toes, then skilfully fling it up and catch it
Or is that just me? *brushes shoulders off*
9. Pretend you’re performing the song that’s playing to a sold-out stadium
And the crowd GOES WILD for the breakdown.
10. Have occasional sex dreams about completely inappropriate people
Marty Morrissey? Is that you?
11. Pretend not to notice someone you knew from way back
It was a long time ago, you’ve lost contact… wouldn’t it be easier to just go about your business? (Yes.)
12. Sniff your fingers after scratching
Important hygiene practice.
13. Pee in the shower
Nature has called upon us all at the wrong moment. Let’s not pretend otherwise.
14. Accidentally spit on someone’s face while talking
It’s loud, you’ve had a couple of drinks, you’re speaking very passionately… and there it goes.
*wipes face discreetly*
15. Look before flushing
Is it pride? Is it fear? Is it Gillian McKeith-style health monitoring? Perhaps all three.
