1. ”What’s that you’re eating there?”
What he really means: I see exactly what you’re eating there, and I want at LEAST two bits of it.
2. “If you’re going out to the kitchen, would you mind throwing on the kettle?”
What he really means: Get up now fairly lively and make me a cup of tea. And don’t forget the biscuits.
3. “Why don’t you wear that nice blue blouse you have?”
What he really means: Would you ever put on something right? That’s awful skimpy.
4. “I’m going to Woodies for a few bits.”
What he really means: I will come back with a full attic renovation plan, a gazebo, and a bird house.
5. “That man is a right clown/gurrier/gobshite.”
What he really means: That man is the worst person in the entire world, and even being in the same room as him annoys me.
6. “Yeah, I’ll give you a lift.”
What he really means: I can’t believe you’re going to make me get up out of this chair. But your mother will kill me if you walk home in the dark, so FINE.
7. “I was resting my eyes for a few minutes.”
What he really means: I was asleep and HOW DARE YOU change the channel.
8. “Do you know what you can do now for me?”
What he really means: I’m about to ask you to do something you won’t want to do, but I’m framing it as a treat!
9. “Well now and how did you get on?”
What he really means: Did you win the match/get the job? That’s all I really want to know.
10. “Let me just have a look at the headlines for a second before you watch them Simpsons.”
What he really means: I want to watch the whole news bulletin and if you don’t like it, you can LUMP IT.
11. “And I got the whole lot for €30. Isn’t that great value, now?”
What he really means: This is the best thing that ever happened to me. Please be as excited about this as I am.
12. “THAT FECKING CAT!”
What he really means: I love that cat more than some of my children.