HELLO, FRIENDS. It’s currently raining in Ireland, bringing a very important issue to the fore.
It’s recently come to our attention that, despite the climate of our fair country, Irish people do not know how to use umbrellas. We have devised a few simple rules for everyone to follow that we think will make things a lot easier. You’re welcome.
1. You don’t need a golf umbrella if you’re not golfing
Don’t use a golf umbrella on a busy street. Don’t use a golf umbrella if you are the only one under it. Don’t use a golf umbrella and let your friend use their own golf umbrella and you’re both blocking up the street with your stupid golf umbrellas.
How about we just ban golf umbrellas completely? That could be an idea.
2. Watch yourselves with those big umbrellas
Don’t be walking along swinging them, catching people on the ankles. Don’t hold them sideways. Have some cop on.
3. Please consider people’s eyeballs at all times
Your umbrella could always be raised higher. Higher, even. Climb on top of that building there. Great. Now we are all safe.
4. If you absolutely must share one, the taller person must always hold it
No one should be forced to stoop and bend thanks to another person’s shitty umbrella-holding. Give it to the taller person!
5. If your umbrella is broken, put it in the f**king bin
Let it go. It’s dead. Those spokes will murder someone. Bin it.
6. Close it if it’s only spitting
It’s the Irish way. You look like an eejit otherwise.
7. And just say no if there’s wind AND rain
You know in your heart that the umbrella is useless! Stop struggling.
Those are just a few suggestions we have. Anyone have any to add to the list? Put them in the comments.
