Dublin: 15 °C Wednesday 4 October, 2023
# take me to church
10 people you are guaranteed to meet at Longitude this weekend
“I’m not skipping, I swear”

 1.  A member of the flower crown brigade

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They’ll be everywhere this weekend, posing for selfies and doing peace signs like the dedicated pacifists they are.

2. The girl who promises she isn’t skipping the queue and then totally skips the queue

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Can be seen in every bar and toilet queue kindly explaining to everyone that, “I’m just looking for my friend.” Oh, are you? Sure.

Meanwhile, you’re like:

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3. The po-faced lad who is annoyed that everyone is only there to see Hozier

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“Whatever, I’m going to the woods to see a lad play the spoons. You probably haven’t heard of him.”

4. Enthusiastic youngsters screeching, “MY LOVER’S GOT HUMOUR” in your ear and clutching their hearts during Hozier

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God bless, but also can you not?

5. An 18-year-old lad wearing these sunglasses and forcing you to confront your own mortality

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Festival style tip for lads: pair these sunglasses with a vest that says “IBIZA” and a pair of shorts from Dunnes Stores. Everyone around you will instantly feel 30 years older.


6. The giddy girl standing in front of you who decides midway through to hop on someone’s shoulders

You’ll wonder how this always seems to happen to you and the opening chords from Why Does It Always Rain From Me? will start to play in your head.

7. The Dad engaging in delightful Dad dancing during Jungle’s performance of Busy Earnin’

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Actually, let’s face it: there will be a field of pale Irish people “getting down” (read: clicking fingers and dancing in such a way that they don’t spill their pint) to Busy Earnin’ on Saturday.

8. That one person who insists on comparing everything to Kraftwerk’s 3D show in 2013

Oh, were you at Kraftwerk in 2013? I didn’t realise because you had managed to go five minutes without mentioning it. Tell me more about how people just “didn’t get it”.

9. The misery guts griping about having to go home and complaining it just isn’t the same as Electric Picnic

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Yes, the wait for taxis is a pain, but are you trying to tell me that the allure of a warm bed at the end of a night isn’t positively intoxicating?

10. And that one person that’s just on, shall we say, a different level

Yes, I know my hair is lovely. Yes, I know you’re just being friendly. Yes, I suppose we can hug?

Be careful out there, everybody.

The greatest example of Dad dancing ever has been discovered at this festival >

Noel Gallagher absolutely owned a heckler in Cork last night >

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