Dublin: 18 °C Sunday 23 June, 2024
dear fifi

Dear Fifi: Why don't I get any bloody matches on Tinder?

It’s every Tuesday evening. Dear Fifi is’s resident shoulder to cry on. Let’s go.


Nice to see that summer is completely over. I considered putting on the heating yesterday, can you credit that? You know it’s August in Ireland when you have to wring out your runners when you get in from work. Jesus wept.

If you’ve got bigger problems than whether or not to flick on the storage heaters, I’m here for you. Hit me up.


Dear Fifi,

I’m a 21 year old man and I feel really bad because I get barely any Tinder matches. All my friends have stories of the many girls they’ve hooked up with on it, and it makes me upset that I’ve been left out of that entire part of life.

All my friends are using selfies alone and with friends as their photos so they don’t have any mad exciting photos that I don’t, and as far as I know none have written a bio. They’re all attractive but probably not super models as far as my male eye can see. Is there any possible reason for my situation apart from being ugly?

First off: you’re not ugly. I don’t mean to sound like your literal ma when I say this, but beauty is in the eye of the beholder. People’s taste differs wildly – some go properly doolally for beards, others think they’re the sign of hiding a questionable chin. Neither stance is right because we all like something different to the next beure. Don’t be so down on yourself, because I guarantee you simply do not deserve it.

(What I will say is that the only true dealbreaker in terms of attraction is personal hygiene, but I’m going to assume that since you’re concerned about Tinder and not real life, this isn’t your problem. Still. It’s worth mentioning.)

I think your letter poses two problems. The main one is your relentless comparison of your romantic life to that of your mates. Measuring your own achievements in life against someone else’s is bound to end in insecurity. Make yourself your own yardstick. Forget what your pals are telling you. And probably take their bed-notch tales with a bag of salt, while you’re at it. Who knows? It could be all bravado. The trick is not to care. Their stories are nothing to do with you.

Not hooking up with lots of girls through Tinder before your 22nd birthday is not “missing out on an entire part of your life” either. Is that even what you really want, or just what you think you should be doing?

Now that we’ve got that little sermon out of the way… The second issue is a more practical. Here are some common Tinder mistakes you may or may not be making.

  • Always have a bio
  • If you think that joke in your bio is super edgy, it should definitely go
  • Only choose photos of yourself – we don’t need to see your gang of mates
  • No doped-up tigers in Thailand
  • No pictures of you with rifles or on shooting ranges (PS why is this so common?)
  • No photos of you and your ex
  • You don’t need to write the funniest thing in the world as an opener – just write the bloody opener
  • Show your Tinder to a trusted (perhaps female) friend and allow them to veto photos, suggest a bio and generally give their input
  • BE YOURSELF! Unless ‘yourself’ is a misogynistic sex pest, then try someone else

Happy swiping.


 Want to talk?

Confess a story, ask for help or just shout into the void for a bit and see if that helps. All welcome. Anonymity totally guaranteed always. 

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