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A love triangle, the ethics of sending nudes and getting over jealousy - it's Dear Fifi

Dearest darling Fiif.

dearfifiheader

God, the Tuesday after a Bank Holiday. Nothing like it to force a confrontation with your own mortality and the spectre of constant ageing that hangs over our every waking day! In all seriousness, though, fuck the Tuesday after a Bank Holiday weekend.

If you’re picking up what I’m putting down in terms of post-BH ennui, you can unload your problems and strife anonymously and confidentially right here.

dearfifibar

Is it cheating to send nudes?

Yes.

I’m in a love triangle. I like two guys that are best friends, slept with one (strictly sexual) but have kissed the other (more emotional as we talk more). Neither of them have told the other about me. Nothing can happen as it would be long distance, but I feel guilt inside for not telling one that I slept with the other.

The problem is I wanna sleep with the guy again but nothing can realistically come from either, so do I tell the guy I’ve been talking to for ages about sleeping with his friend? Or let it all come out and seem like a terrible person?

Leave them both alone immediately. Nothing good will come from this – and distance-wise, nothing good can come from this either. Move on to someone less complicated and closer to home before this whole thing explodes, because it will.

I’m 31 and my girlfriend is 32, and we’ve been dating a year and a half. She has started asking what female celebrities I think are hot. She says she “just wants to know what you find sexy so I know what to aim for”. I know she’s trying to lose weight, she’s unhappy with her body at the moment. But I think that’s a really unhealthy way to approach things. I love this woman, next step engagement etc. Any ideas on navigating this in a constructive way?

She’s going through a process of change and lots of diet culture can erode our self-esteem and cause a feedback loop of endless comparison with other women, both famous and known to us. You’re doing the right thing in not encouraging this niggling self-doubt she has cultivated – continue to tell her you love her, love her body, love her personality, love everything about her. Support her if she needs support, but don’t engage with conversations you think you’ll end up regretting. Be honest and transparent with her about why you won’t get into that type of chat: tell her you’re happy and don’t want anyone else, not even hypothetically.

In your book, what she has to aim for isn’t a some arbitrary celebrity’s figure but rather being the happiest and most loving version of herself she can be. So just make sure she knows that.

I have been speaking to a guy I met on Tinder for the past year now on/off. Whenever we have stopped talking for awhile it seems we always circle back to each other. We live about an hour away from each other, which I suppose is the main reason we haven’t met up. However both of us are going to the same festival next month and I’m very anxious about meeting him as he might not like what he sees.

I really like this guy and actually see myself having a relationship with him but I’m afraid that even when we do meet up it will only be a weekend thing and we won’t see each other again. I’m just wondering about any advice you might have as to what to do or if I should just finally say we should stop talking? Is the distance too much? 

Take the chance to meet. It’s not going to get any less nerve-wracking – first dates in general are tough as it is, but there’s been a year-long preamble here so jitters and butterflies are absolutely to be expected. Embrace them as excitement, take the bull by the horns and just do it.

I think if you don’t take this window of opportunity, you may not get another one any time soon. And if all you have to look forward to from him is another year of directionless chit-chat online, then it’s time to move on. Shit or get off the pot, I reckon. (Oh – and an hour’s distance is totally doable, imo!)

I can’t get over the fact that a my now-partner and his friend had an ongoing joke that they would set my partner up with a mutual pal of theirs who they considered “perfect” for my now-partner. The thing is, we were together when this joke was going on, not long, but we had been seeing each other for at least 2 or 3 months very intensely. My partner was moving to the country this perfect person and the friend live – and I followed him.

I know about this joke from seeing a message from my partner a year ago when he was using my laptop. I know see the person he was being set up with regularly and they make my self esteem plummet. I am so angry and hurt that this was ever a joke when I sacrificed so much to move for them. Am I mental to still be angry about this?

No, but you really are torturing yourself needlessly. You need to resolve this somehow, as otherwise it will continue to eat away at you and affect your relationship. Just look at the language you’re using – that you “sacrificed so much” to move, etc. That’s not an even keel for a relationship to be based on, as it indicates already some feelings of simmering resentment bubbling within you.

It might be time to be honest. Let him know what you saw, that you didn’t look intentionally, and you feel a bit bruised by the joke. Basically what you need from him is reassurance it was a joke and that he loves you, right? So just ask for it.

Maybe you don’t feel like you can broach this subject. In that case, resolve to work through it yourself. Whole-heartedly make a real effort to let it go. The reassurance you require will have to come from within instead.

No matter how you acquire the reassurance about the relationship, the key is that you must move on. He’s with you for a reason – he obviously wants you and only you. Is a joke worth damaging a serious, long-term relationship over? Look, if he wanted to be with this other “perfect” person, he would have given it a shot back then, but he didn’t and clearly has no plans to do so. Have some faith in your partner and what you have – and in yourself.

Don’t let this random person affect your self-confidence. Comparison is the thief of joy. Focus on what you’ve got. Good luck.

My partner was a single mother when we met. We’ve both raised her kid together since the child was very small. Things have been going great but I still find a bit of awkwardness when talking about family life with work colleagues or new people. I see this child as my own but I don’t know how to say “this is my step child” or “my partner’s child” as this sounds too distant, then again saying “this is my child” feels like lying. I feel it’s hard introducing the family without making it awkward. Is it all in my mind? 

You sound like a very considerate and thoughtful person, but in this instance I think you may be over-thinking things!

Something along the lines of “my partner’s child who I’ve helped to raise” or “my partner’s kid who I’ve know since he was X age” or “myself and my partner have been together since her child was X age” will be sufficient to get across the situation. It shows your level of involvement but is also completely honest. Play it by ear depending on how the conversation goes, but generally I think people will be understanding. Most likely they’ll just be interested in the child and whatever else led to you bringing up your lovely family.

A good rule of thumb is to simply discuss things like this with your partner – as she’s the child’s mother and knows you well, she might have a more useful take for you on this. It’s a positive thing that you love talking about her and the child you’ve helped raise, so I’m sure she won’t mind.

dearfifibar

Want to talk?

Confess a story, ask for help or just shout into the void for a bit and see if that helps. All welcome. Anonymity totally guaranteed always. 

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