Dublin: 3 °C Saturday 24 February, 2024
dear fifi

The Fear, confidence, a hen party headache and a mate's offensive tattoo - it's Dear Fifi

Dear Fifi is here for you, baby.


It’s my last week of waged work! From here on out, it’s clear blue sky. Take the shackles off my feet so I can dance. 

If you’re not feeling so footloose and fancy free, you can tell me all about it. Vent your spleen. I’m here to listen


How to deal with the Fear?  

Glib answer? Drink less. Real answer? Realise that no one really gives a fuck what you did or said, and if they thought about it the next day at all it was fleeting. Liberate yourself from the idea that anyone else is cataloguing your faults or keeping score or itemising your wrongdoings.

People are mostly concerned with their own shit. They’re not sitting around hating you. I promise. (And if they are? Fuck ‘em.Who cares what people think? People are terrible!)

When you ask women what the number one attractive trait they like in a man, 9 times out of 10 they’ll say confidence. Can you explain what this means in real terms?

I disagree with your premise. Focus on being considerate and kind instead. It is more genuine than faking confidence to pull, and it’s less likely to come off as brash if applied with an amateur hand. Plus it’s overall a better purpose in life. 

We have booked a venue for my hen, it only fits a limited number of people. Now that I’ve done the numbers up I can’t fit everyone. To me it’s clear enough who I don’t spend much time with to trim down the list, but I have an awful feeling 2-3 of them will pick a fight over it. I don’t know how to delicately phrase it to the girls who aren’t asked?

I’m not close with them but they’re part of a larger group, some of whom I’m very close to. I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings and will be asking them all to the wedding. Also if I’m honest, if I invited them they might pick a row with someone or do something atrocious that I wouldn’t like my other friends to see. 

You have two options: book a bigger venue or offend some people. Decide which is the more palatable, commit and just do it. The fallout will either be nuisance/financial if you have to rebook or else the risk of losing friends if you decide to cut numbers. Again, you need to decide which is the least bad option and pull the trigger before this escalates.

I feel like very few people in my life actually like/care for me and everyone else is just tolerating me. How do you assuage those feelings without being needy as fuck?

Don’t ask. Tell. It’s okay to be vulnerable. Tell someone you love that you love them – do it today – and see what happens. 

 If you’re in a committed relationship is it still okay to tell someone else you find them attractive if you’re not looking for it to go anywhere?

Meh. If in doubt, don’t.

Why do some people get to be popular and have large circles of friends and know loads of people and some people are not like this and will be lonely and isolated?

Believe me when I tell you this: comparison is the thief of joy. Plough your own furrow, always. Stop looking at what the other guy got. That way madness lies. 

An old friend I’m still close with just got a *very* culturally appropriative tattoo. This friend is generally “woke” so this is confusing and alarming to me. I haven’t seen them since they got it yet and I’m soooo unsure of how to react when they inevitably show it to me excitedly. I don’t want to lie but I don’t want to harm our friendship by criticizing a huge permanent mark hey put on their body. Help?

The same as you do with anyone’s shitty tattoo: make a bland comment on it and move the conversation on speedily. You don’t have to say anything unless they outright ask you either. A good deflection tactic is “Wow, was it sore?”

Any tips or advice for starting your life again in your 30s?

Don’t look back. You’re not going that way. 


 Want to talk?

Confess a story, ask for help or just shout into the void for a bit and see if that helps. All welcome. Anonymity totally guaranteed always. 

Last week’s column – I’m waiting for an apology from my ex

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