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dear fifi

Dear Fifi: I'm a virgin... What if he laughs at me?’s resident agony aunt counsels a woman in her 20s who wants to lose her virginity.


If only I’d answered that letter I got from an American man last week enquiring about the ethics of sharing state secrets with the Russians. I’m sorry you guys, I simply didn’t connect the dots.

You know the drill – you can contact me completely anonymously here, and you can read all previous week’s columns here.

Enjoy your week. Tuesday is officially the worst day of the week, so the only way is up. Let’s go.


Dear Fifi,

I am a 24-year-old female and a virgin. As a teen I trusted an older guy (5 years older) and wanted to have sex, but he asked me straight out was I a virgin, then laughed and left me in my fancy lingerie. It took me a while to get over this, especially being a bigger girl, but after 6 years I finally have my confidence back.

I’ve met a brilliant guy and have been on a few dates with him, and he seems amazing and I wanna get the ride. But I don’t know how to broach the whole virgin subject, (let’s be real, it’s gonna be obvious and he needs to be pre-warned) and there’s the small voice in the back of my head saying the same thing is gonna happen again – that he’s just going to laugh and run away.

First off, I’m sorry that guy was such a dick to you. At least he did you the vague favour of showing his true colours before things went any further, although I know that might be cold comfort considering the damage he inflicted on your confidence. I hope that in the intervening 6 years, you’ve come to see this as dodging a serious bullet.

Like, The Matrix level dodging of a bullet. This man can become a footnote in your personal history. Forget him. What he did was about him, not you.

People lose their virginities in all sorts of circumstances at all sorts of ages. The American high school prom night story perpetuated in pop culture has very little bearing on anyone’s lived experience. Especially in this fine country of ours. Maybe you’ve avoided the topic due to feeling self-conscious, but speaking about this with even a few trusted friends will reveal lots of diverse stories that will set your mind at ease and give you a bit of perspective.

Sometimes it’s tempting to think others around you have it all figured out and manage to adeptly pull off social situations without a second thought. On the contrary – literally everyone is muddling around in the dark and privately suspects they’re the only ones without a clue where to find the light switch. Don’t worry.

It seems like a big deal, and I know for you it was made into one through circumstances beyond your control, but when it’s done, you’ll probably be surprised about the distinct lack of fireworks, fanfare and angelic choruses. (What I’m saying is: don’t make it into a bigger deal than it is. Worrying about something is invariably infinitely more stressful than actually doing it.)

You have the real advantage of doing this at an age where you’re more emotionally stable and in control of what you want and need from a relationship. That means you can have a frank and honest conversation with this brilliant man you’ve met. Communication and being a little bit brave at first are all you need. Take a deep breath and start talking. As I’ve said, the worrying is always, always worse than taking the plunge.

I sincerely doubt he’ll laugh at you considering how high you hold him in your esteem, but there’s no road map for how he may act. He’ll be in uncharted territory too. Bear in mind as well as potentially a bit flattered, he may be nervous or worried too – or feeling a bit of pressure to impress. So you’ll both be a bit nervous! Now there’s a shared bonding experience.

I feel like that painfully inappropriate family friend at a party finishing off with this but… HAVE FUN YOU TWO!


Want to talk?

Confess a story, ask for help or just shout into the void for a bit and see if that helps. All welcome. Anonymity totally guaranteed always. 

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