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Dublin: 7 °C Sunday 16 December, 2018
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Dear Fifi: It's lots more quickfire questions!

This week, I’m answering lots of your questions quickly.

dearfifiheader

We’re just coming out the other end of a glorious streak of Bank Holidays. For those of us in 9 to 5 roles, we haven’t had a five day week in what seems like aeons. The flipside is the very real struggle of going back to work after all these mini-holidays. Go easy now.

Got a problem you want to share? My job is to listen. Send me them here anonymously and confidentially.

dearfifibar

What does it really mean when women say “you are too nice to date”?

It means they don’t fancy you.

(Don’t worry, the right one will come along and she will.)

A woman I like is in a terrible relationship with someone who doesn’t treat her with much respect. She is very unhappy, but seems unable to end it. As a consequence, we get very close, spending a lot of time texting and she shares a lot of her problems, but then at a certain point she suddenly disengages and won’t speak to me for weeks. She has no intention of cheating, and I wouldn’t want her to.

But the pattern of getting close, and then being pushed away is very upsetting for me. I know I can’t expect much from someone who is in a relationship, but sometimes it feels like I’m being used. I guess that she is getting something from me she’s not getting from her boyfriend, but then periodically seems to freak out/feel guilty about it and put up barriers. 

I’d like to maintain the friendship, as I enjoy her company, but it’s getting more and more difficult. What should I do?

This is not “friendship”. Be honest with yourself about that.

Cut off contact with her. Whether she intends to or not, she is hurting your feelings and affecting you badly. You need to protect yourself. She is not being fair to you – or her partner, for what it’s worth. And think about it – the kind of emotional affair she is conducting with you speaks badly for the potential to have a future relationship with her, considering its origins. How long can this pattern continue? She needs to sort herself out, and you’re not the person to help.

Do the right thing, which is also unfortunately the hard thing: cut her off, give yourself time to heal and do your best to honestly move on.

I’m worried the referendum won’t pass. The pro-repeal side has an image problem in that its associated with unpleasant angry twitter types who attack those who don’t fall into line with them completely. Also a lot of the focus seems to be on trans inclusivity which might alienate some older votes.

Do something then. The pro-repeal side’s problem is certainly not angry people on Twitter or trans inclusivity. It’s pro-choice people like you who criticise but do not volunteer, canvass, speak up, donate or engage meaningfully yourself. If you really do want the referendum to pass, stop the armchair criticism and get involved. The buck stops with you.

How do you know if you’re meant to be in a relationship? I’m with a guy at the moment who is pretty amazing – he’s there for me when I need him, gives me space to get through work and stuff when I need it and is always happy to spend time together. I know that I love him, but I don’t know if it’s forever. Am I self sabotaging? HELP!

Worry about what’s in front of you and let forever take care of itself. If you love him, you love him. Don’t ignore doubts, but equally don’t invent problems where there are none. If you’re bored, ask why – but don’t worry yourself over nothing.

I slept with a guy but I kinda find he is selfish in bed-wise? Or maybe I’m too giving, but that said I am a girl. If he’s selfish in bed is that an inkling of what he’s going to be like if we sleep together again? I’m sick of being too generous sexually when men don’t return the favour.

I hear you, but at the same time he’s not a mind-reader. Try open and honest communication about the issue before you chuck him over this. If you express what you want and he ignores you, that’s the problem. Listen to your instincts, but don’t throw the baby out with the bathwater before trying to talk to him and figure out how deep the problem runs.

Stephen’s Day just gone I was dumped by my boyfriend of nearly two years. This week I decided to stop wallowing in self pity and went on a bumble date.  I thought the date went well, we went for drinks, we kissed, we talked about setting up another date. 

Since then I haven’t heard a thing from this guy. That’s all fair and I understand first date and all, he doesn’t have to get on to me. 

But I still feel like I have been dumped all over again, and like a fool for feeling this way.  It makes me nervous to go on another date for the fear of rejection and overwhelming sadness because some guy I barely know hasn’t texted me. How do I get over this fear and keep dating?

I know it sounds a bit bleak but for the time being try to keep your expectations low. Date to have fun, to meet people, to experience new things and try the whole thing out. Take it all a lot less seriously – and assume the other person is doing so as well, unless explicitly told otherwise. Don’t date right now expecting every meet-up to translate into a relationship. That’s a recipe for bruised feelings and disappointment.

Break-ups are the worst, and yours basically just happened. Go easy on yourself. If you’re not ready to casually date without letting emotions flood in too soon, don’t rush it. You’ll get there.

Is non-monogamy a bad idea for most couples?

How long is a piece of string?

I have about 100s of matches on Tinder but every time I initiate a conversation I manage to say the wrong thing or a series of wrong things. I don’t say overtly sexual things. I’m terrible at instant messaging, I tend to say too much. I’m also very shy about approaching women in public. I might hit on some one once a year or something. What is wrong with me?

There is absolutely nothing wrong with you. You’ve actually achieved something that not many do – you’ve become self-aware about a part of yourself (that you’re not good in written communication) and want to work on it.

I’d recommend trying to get people to meet in person as soon as possible, rather than languishing in instant messaging if it’s not your forte. If you know you’re better in person, be honest about it and ask to meet for a coffee sooner rather than later. Plus, you might want to try other dating apps/sites, as I don’t think it’s uncommon to get matches but not much chat on Tinder. Good luck pal.

dearfifibar

Want to talk?

Confess a story, ask for help or just shout into the void for a bit and see if that helps. All welcome. Anonymity totally guaranteed always. 

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