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Dublin: 7 °C Sunday 16 December, 2018
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Dear Fifi: I'm gay, I slept with a close (straight) friend and now she's blanking me - what do I do?

Each Tuesday. A problem solved. DailyEdge.ie’s resident advice columnist Dear Fifi.

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It struck me that I usually use this area of your screen to witter on about the weather or Bank Holidays, and that this week I should do something more constructive. So here’s your heads up that your darling Dear Fifi is on board for repealing the 8th Amendment, and sincerely I hope you are too. 

If you want to ask me anything specifically related to the 8th Amendment or repealing it, as well as any other concerns or questions, you can do so anonymously and confidentially right here

dearfifibar

I am a gay woman nearing 30 who has had feelings for a good friend and former housemate for 6 years. We live miles apart now but meet up throughout each year to go for drinks and to catch up. She is in a 3 year relationship with an older man.

The last time we met up, she confessed she is in love with me and we slept together. 

This caused her to freak out as she said she has known she isn’t straight for a long time but doesn’t want to address the issue. She then reiterated that she is in love with me but wants to be alone – no girlfriend and no boyfriend. She proceeded to say she would love to run off and live with me and we could adopt pets together.

Since we met up she initially wanted us to arrange to meet straight away but now, a few months down the line, she won’t arrange to see me and won’t speak to me much (I am always having to contact her first). I have tried to address the situation and ask her if everything is okay but she says everything is fine and that we are good. I don’t even know if she is still with her boyfriend or not. What should I do? 

First things first: I think you’ve actually done everything that you can do here.

I don’t think you’ve done anything hugely wrong here either. Okay well, you are implicated in cheating. That said, I personally believe that the most significant blame involved in cheating lies with the party who broke their commitment to another person, i.e. in this case, your friend and not you.

Not only this, but she has also treated you poorly as well. It’s a heavy load to dump onto you – first, mad declarations of love and suggestions of commitment, then unexplained silence. You didn’t do anything to deserve that. This is her problem, her at fault, not you.

Let’s take a look at this situation dispassionately for a moment. Your friend cheated on her partner, effusively emoted at you, then withdrew not only these emotions but also contact with you suddenly. Surely she knows how you feel about her, which means her actions take on a cruel edge as well as being selfish. What’s more, now she won’t meaningfully engage with subsequent queries as to what the fuck she’s at.

If one was being compassionate, one could guess she might be freaking out in a larger sense about her sexuality and that’s the root cause of her poor behaviour. But frankly that’s doing her a lot of favours and giving her slack she may not necessarily deserve. She could just be a head-wrecker and a cheater with regrets she’s either emotionally incapable or simply unwilling to address to your face like an adult.

Either way, you’ve tried to make contact and sort this maturely and she’s rebuffed you at every turn. She probably thinks she’ll always have you hanging on, no matter how badly she treats you. I’d suggest you deal with this now by playing her at her own game – don’t contact her. Either she will miss you, and come back in contact, or she won’t, which will give you the space you need to forget about her and move on. Maybe she’ll figure it out, maybe she won’t – but you moving on shouldn’t be contingent on her getting her shit together. Focus on yourself.

Looking at her behaviour from this light might not sit easily with you, because you presumably think she’s great. But she isn’t acting like a great person towards you right now. Her actions speak a lot louder than her words.

Cut her off and make an honest attempt to move on and see other people. In time your feelings will fade. You seem emotionally clued-in and sound. You’re certainly patient. There’s someone out there who will treat you the way you deserve to be treated – not as a dirty little secret or a passing whim or an abstract idea involving pet adoption. Find that person.

dearfifibar

 Want to talk?

Confess a story, ask for help or just shout into the void for a bit and see if that helps. All welcome. Anonymity totally guaranteed always. 

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