1.
What they say: ”I’m definitely bringing 48 cans. Sure we’ll drink them all. And I got a trolley”.
What they mean: ”I’ve spent €12 on a trolley meant for carrying bread back from the shops by little old ladies. The wheel will snap offit 16 feet from the car and I will be forced to carry my preposterous slabs of beer 2km to the campsite. I will drink 12 of those cans, give 15 away, and discard the rest on Sunday due to being ‘warm as piss’.”
2.
What they say: ”I’m SO glad I’m not going to Electric Picnic. It’s going to be FREEZING/RAINING/FULL OF KNOBS/APOCALYPTIC”
What they mean: ”I’m feeling very left out of the excitement, so I’m going to tramp all over people’s party spirit by being a bit of a shrew.”
3.
What they say: ”Florence and the Machine are shite. Can’t believe they’re headlining. I’m definitely going to see [obscure band] instead.”
What they mean: “See you up the front, screaming THE DOG DAAAAYS ARE OVERRRRRRRRRR.”
4.
What they say: “I might not even bring my phone. Sure I can survive the weekend without it.”
What they mean: I’m going to be in a 40 minute queue at 11am on Saturday morning, giving out yards, trying to send Snapchats on 4%.”
5.
What they say: “Blur need to just give it up man. Can’t believe they’re still peddling this reunion tour.”
What they mean: “See you up the front, screaming IT REALLY REALLY REALLY COULD HAPPEN, weeping.”
6.
What they say: “It’s not as lovely as it used to be, but it’s still a really nice vibe”
What they mean: “The demise of Oxegen means that some people NOT called Fiachra, Siofra and Oisin are now allowed come to Electric Picnic. We won’t let them take it from us though, even if they do take a shit in our tent porch.”
7.
What they say: “There’s always some f**ker with a guitar at 6am, playing Wonderwall
What they mean: “See you at 6am, Jimmy Hendrix, crooning MAYBEEEEE, YOU’RE GONNA BE THE ONE THAT SAVED MEEEEEE with my 11 new best friends.”
8.
What they say: ”Oh Body and Soul is amazing, so much going on there. And there’s a few things in the literary area I want to see too.”
What they mean: ”I’m going to spend the first 30 hours making maggots in a chair in the campsite, drinking Buckfast and roaring ‘DAVE, TELL THE STORY ABOUT WHEN WE GOT IN THE WRONG TENT AND FOUND YOUR BOSS DOING KETAMINE’.”
9.
What they say: “Only a cretin would steal someone’s camping chair”
What they mean: “Dunno who owns this chair. Found it in that tent. It’s mine now. Pass the Bucky”.
10.
What they say: “Drugs are for losers, man”
What they mean: “CAN’T BELIEVE I’VE NEVER TRIED YIPPERS BEFORE! REACH FOR THE LASERS! RAVE IN THE WOODS! PARSNIPS ON THE INTERNET!”
11.
What they say: ”So much great stuff happening in the ______ Tent this year!”
What they mean: “I’m actually doing spoken word about Jaffa Cakes in the ____ Tent myself his year, but don’t want to be seen to be shamelessly promoting myself”.
12.
What they say: “Nah I didn’t bother taking the Monday off”
What they mean: “I’ll be calling in sick on Monday. Food poisoning. You know yourself.”
