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My Life In Embarrassing Celebrity Crushes

Oh God.

LIKE ANY WOMAN, I’ve had lots and lots of celebrity crushes over the years.

Some are mortifying and some have endured.

Let’s take a look back, shall we?

Michael J. Fox

US Michael J Fox filer Source: PA Archive/Press Association Images

My first ever crush was Michael J. Fox. I fell for him after watching Back To The Future over and over again, and quickly decided that he would be my husband.

I kept a close eye on the RTÉ Guide every week in case there were Michael J. Fox films on. As a result, I have seen the dreadful 1990s films The Concierge and Life With Mikey more times than I care to count.

Harvey Kinkle from Sabrina, The Teenage Witch

Sabrina-and-Harvey-Bundt-Friday-1-02-sabrina-and-harvey-24155975-1067-800 Source: Fanpop

Harvey Kinkle was the human equivalent of a puppy dog with sideburns, meaning that he was irresistible to 8-year-old me. He was just so nice! And kind of stupid! And he made sweet Valentine’s Day cards for Sabrina!

Swoon.

The Talking Cat From Hocus Pocus

giphy (7) Source: gifs-andthings/Tumblr

My name is Amy O’Connor and one of my earliest crushes was on a cat. A talking cat from a movie about witches, but a cat nonetheless. I could tell you that I was attracted to his pleasant voice and the way he really looked out for Dani, but none of that negates the fact that he was still a bloody cat.

All I can do is assure you that it wasn’t just me (see below) and that I no longer fancy cats.

Dr. Luka Kovač

Goran Visnjic Cannes Source: PA Archive/Press Association Images

If you were one of the many women who tuned in every Sunday night to watch ER on RTÉ One, then chances are you nursed a crush on sweet, sweet Dr. Luka Kovač.

Luka, played by Goran Visnjic, was County General Hospital’s resident Croatian heartthrob and helped alleviate a lot of Sunday night fear back in the day. Babe.

Matt Holland

Soccer - International Friendly - Scotland v Republic Of Ireland Source: John Walton

I can’t really explain my crush on Matt Holland beyond the fact that it was 2002 and I was swept up by World Cup fever. Sure I could have developed a crush on Robbie Keane, but Matt Holland was English and therefore exotic.

Plus he had very defined cheekbones and sent me his autograph when I wrote to him at age 10, so.

Chad Michael Murray

BRITAIN HOUSE OF WAX Source: AP/Press Association Images

I have a very clear memory of waking up early one Saturday morning and going into the sitting room to watch E4. The channel had just launched and, at the time, the morning programming schedule consisted solely of ad breaks and programme stings.

On the morning in question, I vividly remember sitting on my couch watching a merry-go-round of ads for half an hour *just* so I could see a One Tree Hill ad in which Chad Michael Murray was shirtless for, oh, half a second.

Dedication.

Adam Brody

78th Academy Awards - Vanity Fair Party Source: Doug Peters

Like many girls of a certain age, I actively lusted after Seth Cohen as a teenager. “He’s not like other lads,” I thought. “He’s sensitive and he likes indie music.”

Somehow I thought this was also true for Adam Brody. “I bet if Adam Brody just met me, he’d think I was really cool and not like the other girls,” said 13-year-old Amy O’Connor, ignoring the fact that he was literally dating television star Rachel Bilson at the time.

Michael Cera

Theater-Michael Cera Source: AP/Press Association Images

Clearly once my heart was broken by Adam Brody, I decided I needed to get real. Where Adam Brody was a stupid poser, Michael Cera was the real deal — quirky, random and possibly a bit socially awkward.

Where Adam Brody was actually very handsome and didn’t at all resemble the “nerd” he played on television, Michael Cera was attainable by celebrity standards. Or so this 15-year-old from Waterford thought at the time. “He’ll be my boyfriend in no time. I’m sure of it.”

Matthew Gray Gubler

just a totally normal bro wearing a lot of lavender while smooching his lucky flamingo umbrella

A post shared by official matthew gray gubler (@gublergram) on

Ugh, this guy.

For those of you who don’t know, Matthew Gray Gubler is one of the stars of Criminal Minds who, over the last decade or so, has cultivated a rabid online fanbase known as #GublerNation.

How did a supporting actor in Criminal Minds pull this off, you ask?

1. By sharing quirky drawings of dinosaurs.

2. Sending extremely non-threatening nonsense tweets like this.

3. And by looking like a literal model.

boy's haircut lady's shirt

A photo posted by official matthew gray gubler (@gublergram) on

I myself was briefly a member of #GublerNation and spent more time than I care to remember consuming his short videos/dreaming of building a life with him.

God be with the days.

Jason Schwartzman

TV Jason Schwartzman Source: AP/Press Association Images

Oh look! Another quirky actor with a sideline music project and an affiliation with Wes Anderson. (Can you tell that I had a type?)

Anyway, you might know Jason Schwartzman from the likes of Rushmore, The Darjeeling Limited and Scott Pilgrim Vs. The World. Or perhaps you know his music with the band Coconut Records. (Just kidding, you almost certainly don’t unless, like me, you had a crush on him seven years ago.)

Unlike some other crushes that have died and gone by the wayside, I still have a soft spot for Schwartzman, though. Just look at that face.

Nicolas Cage

OSCARS Source: AP/Press Association Images

Look. I realise that this crush seems psychotic, but bear with me. I didn’t fancy Nicolas Cage in his current incarnation. I fancied Nicolas Cage in Moonstruck.

Hi big arms, his Italian-American intensity, his slicked-back hair — he just spoke to me. “Do I really fancy the guy from The Wicker Man and Face/Off?” I though. Yes, yes I did.

Love works in mysterious ways, I guess ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Vince Vaughn

2016 Winter TCA - ESPN Source: AP/Press Association Images

For a brief moment in time, I fancied Vince Vaughn. I don’t recall why. All I remember is asking other people if they fancied Vince Vaughn and them being like, “Em, are you off your head?” and quickly realising it wasn’t cool to fancy Vince Vaughn.

Moving on.

James Spader

giphy (6) Source: bellecs/Tumblr

If you only know James Spader from more recent fare like Boston Legal and Avengers: Age of Ultron, you might think that he looks like a quintessential dad. I didn’t fancy modern-day James Spader — I fancied James Spader in Pretty in Pink.

in Pretty in Pink, Spader plays a real posh arsehole named Steff. He smokes cigarettes, walks around with an entitled attitude and he’s really, really mean.

But he’s also very, very handsome. Preposterously so.

I don’t think I need to explain myself any further.

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About the author:

Amy O'Connor

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