1. Firstly, the baby in question is forced to wear a big white gown. As if he or she is getting married.
Baby: “Why am I wearing a white dress and a shawl? Why aren’t I wearing a bib and chewing on a toy giraffe?”
2. People clamour to have a ‘go’ of the baby before the Mass and say things like, “Oh, doesn’t he/she look like a little angel?”
3. Before quietly taking bets on whether or not the child cries at the altar
“Tenner says he cries.”
4. The godparents have a momentary freak-out about what their responsibilities actually entail
“Shite, do I have to oversee this child’s religious education or something now?”
“No, you just have to make sure to always get them a decent birthday present. That’s it.”
“Okay, phew.”
5. If there are other families having their children christened at the same ceremony, you’ll size them up
Baby Tadhg Alexander Fitzgerald-Mooney thinks he’s better than our baby, does he? Well we’ll show him.
6. (And yes, you’ll judge their names)
No shame ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
7. At some point during the service, a child will cry and you’ll snigger to yourself
Anyone making a noise during Mass = always funny.
8. Someone will attempt to take a photo of ~the big moment~ and forget their flash is on
Subtle, lads. Real subtle.
9. Afterwards, everyone will gather around the baby to say, “Oh, wasn’t he very good?” and “Not a peep out of him!”
Meanwhile the baby’s like, “LIBERATE ME FROM THIS GOWN, MOTHER.”
10. Cut to the awkward windswept photoshoot outside the church
Okay, now just grandparents with the mammy. Where’s granny? Granny, come over and hold the child. Can Grandad please move two steps to the left? That’s the wrong left.
This will go on for approximately 45 minutes. There will be a decent gale blowing to ensure that everyone is squinting in the photos.
11. And then it’s off to the pub!
Because how else do you mark a baby becoming a child of God? With pints, of course.
