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Dublin: 18 °C Saturday 24 August, 2019
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11 things that happen at every Irish christening

To the pub!

1. Firstly, the baby in question is forced to wear a big white gown. As if he or she is getting married.

Baby: “Why am I wearing a white dress and a shawl? Why aren’t I wearing a bib and chewing on a toy giraffe?”

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2. People clamour to have a ‘go’ of the baby before the Mass and say things like, “Oh, doesn’t he/she look like a little angel?”

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3. Before quietly taking bets on whether or not the child cries at the altar

“Tenner says he cries.”

giphy (13) Source: Giphy

4. The godparents have a momentary freak-out about what their responsibilities actually entail

“Shite, do I have to oversee this child’s religious education or something now?”

“No, you just have to make sure to always get them a decent birthday present. That’s it.”

“Okay, phew.”

giphy Source: Giphy

5. If there are other families having their children christened at the same ceremony, you’ll size them up

Baby Tadhg Alexander Fitzgerald-Mooney thinks he’s better than our baby, does he? Well we’ll show him.

giphy2 Source: Giphy

6. (And yes, you’ll judge their names)

No shame ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

7. At some point during the service, a child will cry and you’ll snigger to yourself

Anyone making a noise during Mass = always funny.

giphy Source: Giphy

8. Someone will attempt to take a photo of ~the big moment~ and forget their flash is on

Subtle, lads. Real subtle.

giphy Source: Giphy

9. Afterwards, everyone will gather around the baby to say, “Oh, wasn’t he very good?” and “Not a peep out of him!”

Meanwhile the baby’s like, “LIBERATE ME FROM THIS GOWN, MOTHER.”

giphy Source: Giphy

10. Cut to the awkward windswept photoshoot outside the church

Okay, now just grandparents with the mammy. Where’s granny? Granny, come over and hold the child. Can Grandad please move two steps to the left? That’s the wrong left.

This will go on for approximately 45 minutes. There will be a decent gale blowing to ensure that everyone is squinting in the photos.

11. And then it’s off to the pub!

Because how else do you mark a baby becoming a child of God? With pints, of course.

giphy Source: Giphy

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About the author:

Amy O'Connor

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