Dublin: -1 °C Friday 1 December, 2023
home warfare

How to make your other half turn the heating on

The eternal struggle of our time.

Stage 1: The problem

Idhren Idhren

At first it seems grand. You feel a bit chilly while watching telly, reading a book, picking your fingernails, whatever. Sure it’ll be fine. It’s not that cold.

But after a while:

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It’s cold. God it’s cold.

Stage 2: First attempt

Asking “Will we put the heating on? Just for an hour?”

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And the inevitable response.

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Inevitably justified with vague, non-specific mutterings about prices and how some people don’t appreciate the cost of things. Basically this person, whether male or female, is like your dad but younger.

Stage 3: Desperately overcompensating

Putting on more jumpers. All the jumpers. ARE YOU HAPPY NOW?

Wrapping yourself in all available soft furnishings.

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And resorting to cups of tea and hot water bottles. Basically, this is you.

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But you still feel like this.

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Stage 4: Dealing with smugness

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Your other half, meanwhile, is probably still swanning around in a t-shirt. As if they hadn't made their point already. What, is their body full of FIRE or something?

This means war.

Stage 5: Proxy warfare

First comes the emotional blackmail. "It's fine. I'll just have a shower instead," you say. Then stomp off to the bathroom and use all the hot water.

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Someone may knock at the bathroom door because they need to use the loo/brush their teeth/apologise for their previous reluctance to turn the heating on.

Ignore them.

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Stage 6: Revenge!

If they still haven't turned the heating on, you'll end up going to bed early because it's the only place imaginable that might actually be warm. So, TO BED!

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Begin by taking all the covers until only a tiny hole remains for breathing.

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Obviously this will leave none for your other half. But then, they shouldn't mind as they were SO GODDAMN ROASTING ALL THIS TIME.

Oh, you did want some blankets?

It's payback time.

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Apply your cold extremities mercilessly. Hands, feet, nose, whatever. Make sure to do it all under the guise of 'cuddling' and act surprised when they yelp in pain and anger. 

Stage 7: Reprise

Repeat stages one through six for as many days as it takes.

Soon it will be yours.

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Stage 8: Victory

Sooner or later, weary of your frozen foot-attacks, they will finally capitulate and turn the heating on.

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At last!

Now, for the battle about whose clothes get to go closer to the radiator.

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