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Here is the week's news... skewed

BREAKING via The Mire wire: The Government stands up to itself over the Croke Park Agreement; household charge to be used for floods; and new e-voting machines on the way…

Image: Photocall Ireland

IS THE NEWS getting you down? Current affairs causing a frown? Satirical site The Mire has an alternative angle on the week’s hot topics…

Government stands up to itself over Croke Park Agreement

Monday, 25 June

The Government stood up to the Government during robust exchanges over the Croke Park Agreement today.

“This Government will not be intimidated by this Government,” Tánaiste Eamon Gilmore said.

Mr Gilmore also said Croke Park Agreement provisions for increments for public servants were as clear as mud. “Mud is clear,” Mr Gilmore insisted. “It is clearly mud.”

Huge cocaine haul proves economic policy is working

Tuesday, 26 June

A Government spokesman has claimed that a huge cocaine haul in Dublin proves that economic policy is working.

“We must be doing something right if the streets are awash with cocaine,” the spokesman explained.

He added that the Croke Park Agreement had been critical in keeping cocaine consumption up during difficult times for the industry.

“It’s the increments, we’d never have done it without the increments,” he said.

“You’d have to wonder what Angela Merkel thinks now,” an expert in this type of thing observed.

McGuinness endures gruelling training for Queen handshake

Wednesday, 27 June

Martin McGuinness has been grinding his right hand in buckets of sand and broken glass for a year in training for today’s meeting with Queen Elizabeth.

Northern Ireland’s Deputy First Minister underwent the gruelling training after fearing he wouldn’t be able to match the ancient monarch’s steely grip.

“Martin has had to completely rethink his relationship with his right hand,” a source close to him said. “He’s only used it to give the finger up to now.”

“It’s a David versus Goliath situation,” a commentator said. “The young upsetter needs to give his followers something to shout about early in the handshake.”

Household charge amended to address flooding issues

Thursday, 28 June

The Environment Department is to introduce emergency legislation to deal with the flooding that devastated parts of the country overnight.

“It is at times like this that the Government is at its best,” a spokesman said. “We can’t just sit around while the flood waters rise.”

“Under the terms of the new legislation the household charge will now also apply to Arks,” he added. “It’s the least we could do.”

Debt relief could pave way to purchase new e-voting machines

Friday, 29 June

A major breakthrough on Ireland’s debt burden could pave the way for the country to purchase new e-voting machines.

The plan emerged as agreement was reached in Brussels to bring down borrowing costs for indebted countries.

“With all this spare money floating about, we’ll finally be able to get e-voting machines again,” an excited Government spokesman said.

The spokesman insisted it would be money well spent despite the fact that e-voting machines that cost the country €55m were sold for €70,000 yesterday.

“We’ll get the expensive ones this time,” he said.

Read previous weeks’ editions of TheMire’s Not the News >

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