Dublin: 11 °C Wednesday 12 June, 2024

15 horror movie clichés that would NEVER work in Ireland

It would be considerably less scary.

IF HORROR MOVIES were set in Ireland…

1. Nobody would go up the stairs to investigate the noise

It’s the wind, be grand.
Ah it’s coming from next door, higher up the telly there.

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2. Bad phone reception would be nothing new

Running from a killer and it’s out, AGAIN.
That’s it, after this terrifying ordeal is over, I’m switching to Vodafone.

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3. The killer would be apprehended by the guards for a minor traffic offense and caught

How do they manage to get off so often?

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4. Your neighbours would be in in a dash if they heard any noise or suspicious characters lurking around your gaff

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Mostly for a nose, kinda out of concern.

Did you hear that racket in the Brennans last night?

5. The sorority houses wrapped up in the plot would be grim student halls

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…and the intruders would get caught by campus security in a jiffy. NON-STUDENT DETECTED, let’s go wreck the buzz.

6. Irish women would immediately find out if their boyfriend was the psycho killer


Here I saw on your Amazon history that you ordered a killer costume? Story with that?
Stay out of me business, Emma.

7. Scary phonecalls would never happen as no one would pick up an unknown call



8. Nobody would participate in the Ouija board because of a story they heard at a sleepover

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Yeah and Clodagh was hovering in the air for ages.

9. Schools would be closed immediately

There’s a killer on the loose targeting high school students? As you were – Horror movies.

There’s a killer on the loose targeting local secondary students? SHUT. IT. DOWN. – Horror movies in Ireland.

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10. The motive wouldn’t be a grudge held over years and years, but something petty like not getting you back in rounds in June

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11. Any alien sighting would immediately be discussed and speculated on the Adrian Kennedy phoneshow

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Anyone else see that light in the sky or…?

12. The Birds would just be seagulls


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13. There would definitely be no room for the killer to hide in a little Irish semi-d bathroom

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14. Groups wouldn’t split up because nobody could decide what to do

“We go that way?” “I don’t mind, we could go that way, what do you think?”

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15. Basically, all suspicious activity would be put down to a bad draught

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Sure if it’s GHOSTS you’re scared of.

* slams door*

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