MAKE-UP TUTORIALS are big business nowadays. If you’re struggling to correctly apply mascara or contour your face to the point where it looks like your face is just literally covered in shadows, there are any amount of teenagers on YouTube that are willing to help you.
Don’t trust them.
This, our friends, is how you put on make-up.
How To Put On… Liquid Eyeliner
First of all, you’re going to want to leave yourself, oh, thirty seconds to achieve that sexy cat eye. It’s preferable to wait until you’re in a bit of a rush, or indeed, already late.
With an unsteady hand, draw a thin line at the edge of your eyelid and gently flick out at the edge. Once you have surprised yourself with how surprisingly okay it looks, get a little cocky and try to do the same on the other eye.
For the second eye, do what you did the first time, except worse! Make sure the line you draw on your eyelid is of a completely different shape and density to the line on your other lid.
Once that’s done, you’re going to want to take a look in the mirror and give yourself a fright with how insane you look. After ten seconds, decide that nobody will notice and go about your day as normal.
TIP: For best results, wait to start applying your eyeliner until your Hailo driver is literally one minute away.
How To Put On… Eyeshadow
First of all, you’re going to want to buy an eyeshadow palate on a whim one day — perhaps when you have your period? — and ignore it for four months.
Then you’re going to want to wait until you’re going on an exciting night out, like a date or a family wedding. Then and only then do I advise you to try out that eyeshadow!
Once the special day has arrived, get it into your head that you want a “smokey eye”. Don’t consult any magazines or online tutorials. Instead, just do it from memory and wing it until you achieve that “recently got into a physical altercation” look.
Decide that it’s too late to change it now, vow to learn from your mistakes and, voilà, you’re ready for the ball!
TIP: For optimum results, wait until a day when your eyelid skin seems especially wrinkly and fold-y to make the task that bit more soul-destroying.
How To Put On… Lipstick
Firstly, wait until a day when your lips are extremely dry and chapped. Preferably a day in the depths of winter. Then, apply a lick of Vaseline and decide it’s time to put on that red lipstick.
After generously caking lipstick on your mouth, realise that the shade of red is way more vivid than you remembered. Run to the bathroom and shift a fistful of tissue paper in an effort to make it seem less… clownish.
Smack your lips together and accidentally get lipstick on your teeth. Make sure it’s subtle enough that you don’t notice it, but that all your friends somehow do.
Eh, you’ve got a little bit of lipstick on your teeth there.
Feel uncomfortable/paranoid and spend the rest of the night making frequent trips to the bathroom to make sure you’re not walking around with rosy teeth.
TIP: For best results, completely neglect to bring your lipstick out with you! By the end of the night, your lips will be pale and patchy-looking! ;)
How To Put On… Lipgloss
This one is really simple!
First, put on lipgloss. Then, after ten seconds, somehow get several strands of hair stuck on your mouth. And, hey presto, your lipgloss has been removed!
Repeat this cycle from the moment you get up until you go to bed.
TIP: To keep your lipgloss intact, just tilt your head at an angle and stay completely still. Don’t talk or laugh — unless you’re a trained ventriloquist and can do so without moving your lips. If you’re feeling peckish, have someone feed you a grape.
Just don’t ruin your lipgloss.