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15 things that would happen if porn was set in Ireland

Oh, imagine the possibilities.

1. This guy would be delivering a Mizzoni wagon wheel pizza and there would be an awkward silence because he forgot the extra garlic dips

porn-pizza-guy

“Sorry love, yeah, they just didn’t come through on the order.”

The pizza would be consumed before any actual sex happens because, well, it’s delicious pizza.

2. This would be the DCU library and Moodle would be visible on one of the screens in the background

library

Ah, third level education.

3. Nothing would happen between these two before they’d had a long, awkward chat about what the plumbing issue was

plumber

“Ah sure, I knew it was that but but I didn’t have the tools. What are you doing there? Ah, right.”

Hot.

4. This Dublin landlady wouldn’t accept this guy’s offer of sex in lieu of the rent because she could make a fortune on the gaff by just sticking it back on the market at an inflated rate

landlady

Times are good for lords of the manor, even in Irish porn.

5. This would be a garda from Cavan stopping someone on the N4 and he’d be all “Sorry, madam, your tax is out of date”

traffic (1) Source: flagstaff

Which is the steamy opening line every Irish Gardai-based porn needs.

6. Eye contact during this threesome at Electric Picnic would be kept at an absolute minimum because one of the people definitely knows the other from a summer in the Gaeltacht

shutterstock_201781991 Source: Shutterstock/oneinchpunch

They just can’t remember the name.

7. These girls would be meeting on a beach in Louth, where it would be so cold that they would immediately seek refuge in the nearest pub

beach

The auld lad pub, surprisingly, is not such a sexy setting.

8. The captain of the GAA team and the local Irish dancing champion would get romantic in the away changing room

gaateam

The old GAA caretaker man would come in at the end and give a knowing smile to the pair of them.

9. These college students would be far too hungover to be engaging in any sexual activity

couple-kissing-in-bed Source: Skinnymom

It’s 7am. Let’s set some realistic goals.

10. This couple having an affair in a public place would run into someone they know because it’s Ireland

affair

“My cousin spotted you shifting some lad yesterday.”

That would be a real plot twist though.

11. This would be a stationary Ryanair plane and the jacks would be way too small

plane

The script would have to be hastily rewritten, perhaps including the jacks in the terminal in Shannon Airport instead.

12. This would be located outside an industrial estate in Leixlip, and the people ‘auditioning’ would get the 66 Dublin Bus there

leixlip

Glam.

13. Coppers dancefloor would provide the Gonzo-porn-style backdrop for some creepy guy with a handheld camera

coppers (1)

14. This bathtub scene would be impossible because the gaff that they are filming the low budget movie in would have a standard, tiny Irish bath tub

bathtub

Director: “Squeeze in there, will be grand.”

15. This hen party would get a Bus Eireann to Carrick-on-Shannon and they would a) be the only people on the bus and b) get a bus driver who happens to be an all-time sexual hero

henparty

Because that’s how porn works, even if it is set in Ireland.

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About the author:

David Elkin

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