1. Wouldn’t it be lovely to have a harmless little fling with Drake? I bet he’d be fierce flaithulach and wouldn’t hear of you paying for drinks.
2. He’d be like, “Another bottle of champagne, Mami?” and you’d be like, “Oh my God, I’m blushing – did you just call me Mami?” and he’d be like, “Yes I did, Mami,” while flashing his winning smile.
3. But then he’d turn around and be like, “I love you. Do you know that?” while pushing your hair behind your ear.
4. And you’d be like, “Ah Drake, why did you have to get so intense so quickly? I don’t even really know you?”
5. But you’d forget all about it once the champagne arrived. “Is this why you call yourself champagnepapi?” you’d chuckle. “Yes. And you’re my champagnemami,” he’d reply.
6. Three glasses in, you’d be questioning yourself like, “Maybe… I do love Drake.”
7. But just as you’d start toying with the idea of spending the rest of your life with Drake, you’d catch him smiling at his phone. “Who are you texting?” you’d ask, while gesturing to the waiter for more drinks. “Nobody,” he’d reply.
8. You’d curse yourself. “Why did I ever think I could trust Drake? The man is a charlatan, a chancer, a conman.”
9. A few weeks later, you’d get a text from Drake. “going to Abu Dhabi. can pick u up in jet. u in?”
10. You’d spend a few minutes deliberating on whether it was the right thing to do. “Can I really go to Abu Dhabi on Drake’s expense?”
11. And then you’d get an impatient text from Drake. “i know you’ve seen this. tb”
12. Right then it would hit you – Drake is the human manifestation of the ‘tb’ text. (You’d still go to Abu Dhabi with him, though.)
13. While in Abu Dhabi, you’d pepper Drake with questions about Rihanna. Not because you’re jealous, but because you’re a fan and deeply invested in their on again/off again relationship.
14. “Do you love Rihanna?” you’d ask. “Yeah, I love Rih,” he’d reply. Silence.
15. “So… do you, like, love her as a friend?”
16. “I love her as a person.” Wow, thanks for that, Drake. Now I’m just going to have to spend the rest of the night trying to decode whatever the f**k that means.
17. One evening while looking at the sunset, you’d catch Drake welling up.
18. “Drake, what’s wrong? Has somebody upset you?”
19. “No, it’s nothing.” You persist. “Drake, tell me what’s wrong. I hate seeing you like this.”
20. “It’s just… guide dogs. They’re so beautiful and loyal.” Oh great, now we’re going to get mopey about guide dogs for the night. Another drink, please.
21. Drake would invite you to an exclusive party on a yacht. “10pm. Meet you at the hotel.”
22. But when you’d arrive, Drake would be pre-drinking with the lads and showing no signs of moving. “Should we start making shapes?” you’d ask. “I know you’re a celebrity and you get to go to lots of yacht parties, but I’ve never really drank on the ocean before, so this is kind of a novelty for me.”
23. Much to your dismay, he would ignore you and you would storm off to the loo, muttering something about how he always suits himself.
24. Upon your return, you would find him performing a bench press while his friends cheered him on. “Typical,” you’d scoff. “Always seeking approval and validation.”
25. At a certain point, you’d have to make a choice: do I want to continue having a fling with Drake or do I want to be friends with Rihanna at some point down the line?
26. You would choose the latter, obviously, and break it to Drake that you just felt the relationship had fizzled out. He would be upset, but act like an adult about it.
27. But before being escorted from the premises (and stealing a bottle of tequila from his liquor cabinet), you’d pluck up the courage to ask him the all-important question, the one that has plagued you since the beginning of your relationship…
28. “I know things haven’t worked out between us, but is there any way you could give me Rihanna’s e-mail address? I don’t want to bitch about you to her, I swear. I just want to go for a glass of wine with her.” *door shuts in face* “Oh, real mature, Drake. Real mature.”
29. “OKAY, I KNOW THIS IS OVER NOW, BUT I JUST WANT TO SAY THAT I STILL HOPE YOU TWO END UP TOGETHER.” Silence. And then…
30. “Me too.”
