What they say: “So loads of you have been asking me …”
What they mean: “Nobody’s asked me, but I need to flog this thing.”
What they say: “So _______ kindly gifted me with this _______”
What they mean: “I didn’t pay for this.”
What they say: “I’m delighted to be working/collaborating with/be an ambassador for _______”
What they mean: “I’m being paid for this.”
What they say: “I’m not being paid to say this, I just really like this.”
What they mean: “I have to say this otherwise I’ll have cretins in my mentions giving out for #spon-ing.”
(In fairness to Suzanne, at least she can rip the piss).
What they say: *in a meme caption* “Who can relate girls?!” and loads of crying laughing and emojis.
What they mean: “Please tag someone in this, I need Facebook engagement or brands are going to stop sending me shit.”
What they say: “Thanks for all the kind messages.”
What they mean: “Stop writing to me, I’m not going to text back.”
What they say: “I’m working on something really exciting at the moment, but I can’t tell you what it is yet!”
What they mean: “Seriously, shut the fuck up writing to me.”
What they say: “Snaps closed for the evening guys!”
What they mean: “For the love and honour of God, please stop messaging me.”
What they say: “Sorry for being so MIA on Snapchat today!”
What they mean: “Acknowledge my absence BETTER peasants.”
What they say: “I just wanted to come on to say, really quickly …”
What they mean: “I’m contractually obligated to mention this brand initiative and I didn’t realise the bollacking time.”
