WE’RE A WELCOMING country. Just with certain rules, is all.
Anywhere else, these things would be totally reasonable. But in Ireland? Forget it, pal.
1. Saying ‘No’ to a cup of tea… and meaning it
In other countries, whether you’ll have tea is simply a matter of whether you want tea.
In Ireland, declining a cup of tea is a bitter test of strength and willpower that will leave you exhausted and spent. And with a cup of tea at your elbow.
2. Describing yourself as ‘from’ somewhere you’ve lived for 20 years
Oh, your wan at the house with the big porch? No, she’s not from round here at all.
3. ‘It’s raining, so we might as well give up on this beach picnic’
The. Picnic. Must. Go. On.
4. Accepting a compliment
This old thing? Had it years. God bless Penneys. Oh Lord no. Made a hames of it. Didn’t do a tap of preparation. I look like an old hag.
Etc.
5. Refusing to meet up with your mother’s cousin’s son’s daughter
AKA a total stranger. Just because you you both happen to be in Dublin/London/Cardiff/Planet Earth at the same time.
6. Applying the correct amount of suncream on the first day of your holiday
“I’ll get a burn, and then it’ll turn to tan.”
7. Declining drink in a pub
Without making elaborate excuses to your hurt-looking friends. Usually involving antibiotics, pregnancy or both.
8. Ending a phone conversation with a single ‘Bye’
Sure you’d hardly know it was over. Best to be sure.
Bye now. Bye. Bye bye bye. Good man. Bye.
