FACEBOOK HAS BEEN a wonderful invention. It has allowed us to keep in contact with old friends, spy on everyone from primary school and question the intelligence of many of our nearest and dearest.
Why do most middle aged people write facebook status' like it's an email. "Can anyone recommend a good local painter? Cheers, Dave."
— Frankie (@FrankieMulvey) April 19, 2018
It has also given rise to the absorbing phenomenon known only as the local area Facebook group. These groups while supposed to be informative actually give you a great insight into the kind of people in your local area. You also find out that people are obsessed with roundabouts and speed limits.
They are also endlessly entertaining. Here are 11 posts you’ll always see in them.
1. ‘Watch out for the overturned truck on the M50′
This is actual useful and helpful advice. Then you get Dave in the comments going ‘THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN U CUT IN FRONT OF HGVS. PERSON WHO CAUSED THE ACCIDENT IS AT HOME WHILE DRIVER IS IN HOSPITAL AND EVERYONE IS IN A 5 HOUR JAM’. Thanks Dave
2. ‘Does anyone know a good handyman?’
Again this is useful information until you see the same post 6 times in one week. Google it or search the group for the word ‘handyman’. This method can be applied to the following professions: gardener, painter, carpenter, landscaper and so on.
3. ‘Can *local TD’s name* fix the roads around here?’
If your local TD is any good at all, they’re a prominent member of your local group and constantly posting about what they’re going to get done in the area. You’ll often see Dave in the comments berating said TD for not fixing the pothole directly outside his house.
4. ‘My daughter is available to babysit 24/7 365′
It doesn’t matter if she’s 12 or 22, that mam is determined that her daughter is going to babysit. You’ll usually find Dave in the comments giving out about the price of babysitters because back in his day babysitters were just grateful for the job.
5. ‘Watch out residents of the Grove, a van is driving around the estate’
I mean a kidnapped child is obviously no laughing matter but not all vans are evil. It’s probably one of the seven million handymen/painters/carpenters/landscapers that your neighbour was looking for.
6. ‘Get out and support the under 10s in their match this week’
So many enthusiastic parents who want us all to get out and support their kids. Except the post appears 7-10 times a week suggesting that the under 10s are playing more matches than Manchester City.
7. ‘Can’t believe that housing estate got planning permission, must have been a big brown envelope!’
Or we could be in the middle of a housing crisis and the planning people are accepting most applications for houses? Take off the tinfoil hat there Breda.
8. ‘THOSE *any country that isn’t Ireland* CHILDREN HAVE LEFT PEBBLES OUTSIDE MY HOUSE, IT’S GOING TO BE ROBBED’
Cue a litany of thinly veiled and not so thinly veiled racist comments about any person who is not tattooed head to toe in the Irish flag. Not every mark near your house is an indication it’s going to be robbed lads.
9. ‘Another gang of youths hanging out around the estate, have they nothing better to be doing?’
Teenagers just sort of hang out. It’s kind of their thing. Unless they’re throwing stones or causing actual trouble they’re probably fine. Be grateful they’re not being moody in your house and wishing you were dead Andy.
10. ‘The Tidy Towns Committee has kindly requested that nobody pick the flowers’.
Hell hath no fury like a Tidy Towns committee member who comes across an ill placed hanging basket. Do not cross the Tidy Towns committee. They know where you live. Literally.
11. ‘I wish that housing estate up the road would sort out their paths, nearly broke my neck on a stray pebble’.
There is no rivalry quite like the rivalry between two housing estates. If you’ve been a member of your local Facebook group for awhile, there’s no doubt you’ve seen an all out war in the comments about this sort of stuff. It starts off ok and next Dave is begging Andy to meet him on the green in 15 mins to show him what’s what.
