IT’S DECEMBER AND that can only mean one thing: it is now perfectly acceptable to watch Love Actually.
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Now you might think that Love Actually is a lovely, romantic Christmas film.
And you wouldn’t be wrong.
But it’s also PREPOSTEROUS.
Only in Love Actually would Martine McCutcheon be presented as “the chubby girl”
Let’s be honest: Martine McCutcheon is a bona fide babe and most men would be delighted if she looked twice at them.
In Love Actually, however, she might as well be a mouldy onion or a tub of butter.
The chubby girl? Are we talking about the same Martine McCutcheon? What?
Only in Love Actually would someone consider this hat to be appropriate attire to wear to a wedding
No disrespect, Laura Linney, but that’s a hat you wear on a cold Thursday evening when you can’t find your nice hat. Certainly not one you wear to Keira Knightley’s wedding.
What happened here? Did the Love Actually costume department just run out of money and instruct Laura Linney to bring her own hat?
Actually, none of these people know how to dress for a wedding
In fact, this lad looks like he’s on a rollover.
Wear a tie, mate.
Only in Love Actually would a novelist eschew modern technology in favour of working on a typewriter outside on a windy day
“Hey, it’s 2003. Do you think it’s time you invest in a computer or some sort?”
“No thanks!”
Only in Love Actually would a woman happily tolerate this nonsense
In Love Actually, Juliet discovers that her husband’s best friend is literally obsessed with her… despite the fact that he has never spoken to her. At one point, he shows up to the door to tell her that she is perfect through the medium of Christmas cards.
And instead of calling the guards, Keira Knightley runs out and gives him a quick kiss. While her husband sits watching the telly inside. What????
Here’s how this scenario would go in real life:
- Woman discovers husband’s best friend is secretly obsessed with her and ruined their wedding video.
- Woman tells husband.
- Husband severs ties with best friend.
- Best friend shows up at door with cutesy cue cards.
- The guards are called to deal with him.
Simple!
Only in Love Actually would this cretin do well for himself
The worst subplot of all of Love Actually centres around the lad from the BT ads going to Wisconsin to score some American girls. (British women just don’t appreciate him, you see.)
Despite being a charmless cretin, he immediately wins the affections of four American women, including Denise Richards and January Jones, because women are biologically programmed to fancy anyone with a British accent, apparently.
There they are ripping the clothes off him.
As you can see, it has all the romance of a teenage boy’s wet dream.
Heartwarming.
Only in Love Actually would the British Prime Minister essentially end the special relationship with the United States
Not because of any ideas or anything like that.
Because the President made a pass at “chubby girl” Martine McCutcheon.
Translation: “President Billy Bob Thornton tried to snog the girl I fancy so I’m ending our alliance with the United States, thank you.”
Oh, men.
Only in Love Actually would someone be so devoted to their brother that they’d ignore the actual model waiting to ride them in their bed
We commend Laura Linney on being a good sister and all, but come on.
Don’t leave Karl hanging.
Only in Love Actually would a man buy a necklace for another woman while in the shop with his wife
Instead of going to buy a necklace for his colleague on, I don’t know, his lunch break, Alan Rickman literally waits for the one minute Emma Thompson turns her back to make the dastardly purchase.
Amateur hour.
And only in Love Actually would this necklace cause so much turmoil
Honestly, it looks like something you’d get in Argos for your 16th birthday and yet it almost broke up a marriage.
¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Only in Love Actually would a child become proficient at the drums in, oh, two weeks?
Guess the drums are easy, huh?
Only in Love Actually would this child be able to run through the airport, flout all sorts of security rules and regulations, and not end up in JAIL
*shakes head*
Only in Love Actually would the arrivals at Heathrow Airport be portrayed as a life-affirming place and not a literal hellhole
Whenever I get gloomy with the state of the world, I think about the arrivals gate at Heathrow Airport.
Presumably that would just make you more depressed, no?
