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A look back at Melissa Joan Hart's episode of Cribs, the most noughties thing ever

Sabrina had a pretty good gaff back in the day.

cribs Source: amy

BACK IN THE early noughties, MTV Cribs was all the rage. Each episode featured celebrities inviting viewers into their home to have a nose around their fridges and a look at their enormous tellies.

It fed our curiosity about the inner lives of the rich and famous, and satisfied our insatiable hunger for property shows. In other words, it was perfect television.

Among the celebrities to show us around their gaff was none other than 90s television icon Melissa Joan Hart, best known for her roles in Sabrina, The Teenage Witch and Clarissa Explains It All.

giphy (1) Source: Giphy

“Hey, I’m Melissa Joan Hart and welcome to my crib!”

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Her three-bedroom gaff was modest by Cribs standards, but a mansion by regular standards.

melsi Source: YouTueb

 

This is her living room. Please take a moment to appreciate the silver armchair, arguably the most noughties item of furniture we’ve ever laid eyes on.

All that’s missing is a Groovy Chick cushion.

insta Source: YouTube

Melissa informs us that the “fireplace is, like, the main point” of the room and proceeds to show off her Sabrina poster.

“My Sabrina poster is over here,” she says. “The real Sabrina. Audrey Hepburn.”

Don’t put yourself down, Melissa!

mels Source: YouTube

Next up, Melissa shows off her extensive art collection. “I collect a lot of art,” she brags and we are treated to lots of close-ups of this sculpture.

Oh cool.

statu Source: YouTube

She really loves art. For instance, here she is with a sculpture that “represents Sabrina”. (Did she mention that she was in Sabrina?)

When I started Sabrina, I had no money and I really wanted this statue. So after a year, Sabrina became a hit and I went back to Hawaii and bought my favourite statue.

insta Source: YouTube

After treating us to this inspiring tale, she shows us her new couch, which looks extremely hard and incredibly uncomfortable.

“I love it!” she exclaims. “It’s like a bed!”

insta Source: YouTube

Things take a sharp turn when she reveals her massive collection of Shirley Temple memorabilia.

Her hallway is decorated exclusively with posters of Shirley Temple, which isn’t weird or serial killer-esque at all.

shrle Source: YouTube

But she soon redeemed herself with this relatable line…

A woman after our own heart.

insta Source: YouTube

Let’s take a moment of the stunning camerawork, yes?

A few moments later, she shows us the toaster her “best friend Soleil” got her.

The Soleil in question is Soleil Moon Frye, who played Roxie in Sabrina, The Teenage Witch. Slick toaster, to be fair.

tiater Source: YouTube

“I never had a toaster and I was excited about that.”

- Melissa Joan Hart

She then shows us the demented magazine cuttings she has stuck to her fridge.

“Here’s my fridge,” she says. “On the front, I’ve got every rip out of a magazine that I have ever loved.”

Okay.

magaz Source: YouTube

Melissa.

asg Source: YouTube

What?

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Between this and the Shirley Temple memorabilia…

Another shout out to gin.

I love my gin.

lveo Source: YouTube

Next, she brings us to her “office,” which isn’t so much an office as it is a shrine to Melissa Joan Hart and Shirley Temple.

For instance, here’s a photo of Melissa Joan Hart wearing a racing jacket.

hers Source: YouTube

And here are some Shirley Temple dolls sporting sinister grins.

:)

shir Source: YouTube

But it turns out Melissa Joan Hart has a second obsession!

“I love crosses,” she explains before lifting her hair to proudly show off the cross she has tattooed on her neck.

sha Source: YouTube

We know what you’re thinking: if Melissa Joan Hart had to save one thing in a fire, what would it be?

Simple! An antique music box that her grandmother used to play for her. Again, the music box plays a tune that wouldn’t sound out of place in an episode of Are You Afraid Of The Dark?

insta Source: YouTube

This is an odd choice because Melissa Joan Hart then casually informs us that she owns two Picasso etchings, which she refers to as her “first big pieces of art”

Girl, leave the rinky-dink music box and save the Picassos in the fire, okay?

pica SAVE THE PICASSO, GIRL.

Moving on, here she is holding a horrible child’s dress, which she calls her “lucky dress”

Look at the intensity in her eyes.

na Source: YouTube

The next stop is her bar and general hang out area. She goes to great pains to point out the “Witches’ Brew” sign installed above the bar.

Get it?

withces Source: YouTube

Fun fact: Melissa Joan Hart has a collection of shot glasses form every single place she has ever been to.

Including one from South Bend, Indiana.

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She loves shot glasses so much that she had a personalised shot glass made for the cast and crew of Sabrina, The Teenage Witch.

How thoughtful.

sab Source: YouTube

Just as you think things couldn’t get any weirder, Melissa introduces us to her dogs.

What are the dogs’ names, you ask? Haleakala and Pele, of course. (I implore you to watch the clip of her introducing these dogs.)

dogs Source: YouTube

After showing us her pool and hot tub, Melissa arrives at the following conclusion.

The good thing about this house is that it’s made for parties.

And with that, she bids us farewell.

insta Source: YouTube

The most noughties episode of telly ever? Quite possibly.

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About the author:

Amy O'Connor

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