IT’S APRIL WHICH means that technically summer should be on its way.
The start of a new month means we need to do some predicting and see what the stars (or the clouds since most of the time we can’t see the stars) have in store for us.
Aquarius: January 20th – February 18
Winter has felt like a lifetime for you but now that Easter is over you can emerge from hibernation like Shakira emerging from the sea in her ‘Whenever, Wherever’ video only with a little less grace and a lot less CGI. Time to start planning that exit.
Relatable tweet:
Today was too cold to roll up my jeans like some trendy teen, I'm old and decrepit and my ankles are chilly.
— Rachel (@wokebae69) March 30, 2018
Song for the month:
Pisces: February 18th – March 20th
April is going to be an unpredictable month for you, like pretty much every other month. Yes you should go for that job, no Dave from accounting is not interested in you and yes you can do much better than him. Stay away from the sambuca this month though. The moon is having a weird effect right now and you’ll regret doing it like you always do.
Relatable tweet:
We ordered tequila shots last night but they decided to joke and give us sambuca instead and honestly my soul left my body😂
— Claire Sarıoğlu✨ (@ClaireRisu) April 2, 2018
Song for the month:
Aries: March 21st – April 19th
The new season of Jessica Jones is out which means it’s time for you to binge and get your feisty side back to peak. You’re going to need it to deal with social media in the coming weeks. It’s time for you to be direct as possible with your friends too. Tell Meabh her boyfriend is toxic and his friends are awful. She’ll thank you for it later. Hopefully.
Relatable tweet:
((Netflix trash binge))
— C A T (@magicgoeshere) March 15, 2018
"My husband told me that if I got any heavier, he would leave me."
THROW THE WHOLE HUSBAND IN THE BIN
Song for the month:
Taurus: April 20th – May 20th
You know yourself that April will probably be a decent month for you because you’ve got yourself organised and have planned everything to the last detail. Beware of your mam throwing a spanner in the works by trying to set you up on a blind date with Conor from 5th class who has his own podcast now. It will not go well.
Relatable tweet:
Main difference between conversations with women & men is women will remember and ask you about the minutiae of an incident you mentioned once 6 years ago, while men will tell you about themselves and how it influences the podcast they're planning but will never actually record.
— 𝑪𝒊𝒂𝒓𝒂 (@Ciaraioch) March 21, 2018
Song for the month:
Gemini: May 21st – June 20th
You’re still mourning the loss of Forever 21 despite the many, many, many bargains you picked up before it closed. You still need another month to get over it which is fair enough really. Neptune salutes your dedication.
Relatable tweet:
I guess it wasn't forever, 21 pic.twitter.com/Kb2TxfTqWQ
— Eva Griffin (@ephski) March 5, 2018
Song for the month:
Cancer: June 21 – July 22nd
Given you’re the parent of your friend group you’re going to spend a lot of time looking after them this month. It’ll be a month of break ups because of Venu’s position relative to Pluto meaning there will be a lot of late night messaging and trying not to tell Brian that you knew all along that Shauna was a wagon. Good luck.
Relatable tweet:
Today in work I had to help some secondary school with creative writing. I made them make the couple break up. Welcome to the real world kids
— Adam (@RummHammm) February 27, 2018
Song for the month:
Leo: July 23rd – August 22nd
It’s time for you to step up and take control of your life. If you want it, go get it because you deserve it. Mercury is on your side right now which means April is the perfect time to hire Dermot Bannon to do up your bedsit in Rathmines. Nothing can stop you.
Relatable tweet:
[actually adheres to my skincare routine] wow my skin is so good recently! ever since mercury moved out of retrograde 👁️🔮
— "finn" (@sneaic) April 23, 2017
Song for the month:
Virgo: August 23rd – September 22nd
Look we get it, Chrissy Teigen left Snapchat and it looks like the platform might be dying but there’s no need to over analyse everything about it? That’s exactly what you intend to do for the entire month of April because you’re bored and the planets are telling you to. Was she looking at you? Does she think you’re cute? Do you think she’s cute? JUST ASK.
Relatable tweet:
I love insomnia and overthinking at 2:18 am. No really
— Shane ❤️🍍 🍕 (@shanesaysthat) November 29, 2017
Song for the month:
Libra: September 23rd – October 22nd
Let’s admit it. You haven’t been keeping up with your skin care routine and your diet is currently about 2 Bunsens away from becoming an addiction. So April for you is about starting fresh and trying something new. Have you tried Wowburger for example?
Relatable tweet:
I would go through a lot of pain and inconvenience for nice skin
— Fiona Hyde (@andgoseek) March 25, 2018
"The quickest way to get nice skin is to cut back on alcohol, quit smoking, drink lots of water, sleep well and eat a healthy diet"
Actually my skin is fine
Song for the month:
Scorpio: October 23rd – November 21st
Jupiter has some big plans for you. Given it has a big red spot on it, it seems like it intends for you to have one too, right above your eyebrow and there’s nothing you can do about it and except hide and binge watch the Great British Bake Off all month.
Relatable tweet:
About to eat ALONE in the canteen when I git SPOTS this week!!!
— Lank Ocean (@leem_murfy) March 26, 2018
Song for the month:
Sagittarius: November 22nd – December 21st
You’ve been an absolute disaster since Christmas so it seems only fitting that you’re going to continue being that way until at least June. On the bright side, Saturn is on your side in April so that should bring you some comfort as you manage to mess up yet another situation in your personal life.
Relatable tweet:
Whoever said it was a terrible idea to nap between 5 and 7... well, I guess we are gonna find out who's right and who's wrong huh (*spoiler alert, you're right, this is gonna b a disaster)
— JamesVincentMcMorrow (@jamesvmcmorrow) December 4, 2017
Song for the month:
Capricorn: December 22nd – January 19th
While everyone around you seems to be falling apart, you’re managing to keep it together and keeping it classy this month. Suggest a cocktail therapy session with your friends so the problems can be fleshed out. Be nice though, remember what happened the last time you had too many mojitos? You have been able to look at a traffic cone the same way since.
Relatable tweet:
Girlo tweet but there's no better way to spend a Monday night than drinking cocktails with your best friend and having an absolute laugh x
— bart's people (@smaishling) March 6, 2018
Song for the month:
