ARE YOU STAYING in tonight? Have you got no particular plans? Does the thought of New Year’s Eve give you a sort of sinking feeling in the pit of your stomach?
Would you rather chew off your own arm than watch Jools Holland’s Hootenanny?
Well, fear not. Here’s how you can watch TV all evening without hearing a single mention of the date. You’re welcome.
18.00: The Simpsons
Kick things off slowly with a little burst of Springfield’s first family. You can take your pick between Channel 4 – where it’ll be followed by a 15-minute documentary called Coast – or RTE Two, which has two episodes back to back.
18.30: The Secret Life Of The Shannon
A rare RTÉ One stab at a nature documentary, this sees Colin Stafford-Johnson floating down the Shannon over four seasons of the year. It also promises high-tech footage from camera equipment “used in Christopher Nolan’s film Inception”. So now.
And if you get bored, you can always switch over to…
18.45: The Lost World
Time for a bit of Jurassic Park sequel on RTE Two. No, it’s not as good as the original. Yes, it’s still got enormous dinosaurs crashing through the undergrowth and eating people.
19.45: Christmas University Challenge
Like regular University Challenge, but festive! Only joking – Jeremy Paxman is never festive. One for anyone who’s feeling like their brain synapses aren’t getting enough attention.
21.00: Falling For A Dancer
Over to TV3, and this 1998 made-for-TV drama. Remember when Colin Farrell was Ireland’s bright young thing? This will remind you. (And possibly make you question why he ever made it any further.)
There’s also Blades of Glory on RTE Two if Will Ferrell is more your bag.
22.40: Father Ted
You may need a little pick-me-up by this stage. Back to RTE Two for something that you’ve seen at least 15 times before, but will still laugh at.
If you get hooked, More4 is repeating back-to-back episodes of Father Ted ALL EVENING.
23.00 Booze Britain
This is the witching hour: the time when almost every channel is showing something New Year’s Eve related. Make yourself feel miles better about staying in by watching this on-the-cheap documentary, in which lagered-up drinkers from around the UK discuss their booziest antics. (No, that’s really what it is.)
Sit back on your sofa with a sense of smug satisfaction. Or if you get really desperate, switch over to The Saw Doctors Live In Concert on TG4.
00.05 Waterworld
If you’ve resisted the urge to go to bed (or, you know, just stick on a DVD) there are a couple of post-midnight movies to keep you busy. The first is this Kevin Costner-tastic epic about a world where everything is flooded. (It looks a bit like much of what you’ve seen on the news lately.)
The second is…
00.45 A Time To Kill
Reliable John Grisham drama on RTE One, with a star-infested cast including Samuel L Jackson, Donald Sutherland, Kevin Spacey, Matthew McConaughey and Sandra Bullock.
This takes you up to 3.25am, at which point you should really just GO TO BED, satisfied in the knowledge that you’ve avoided the madness of New Year’s Eve completely.
