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Nine of the most bizarre Amazon reviews

Wacky, weird, and downright wonderful.

WHEN BUYING AN item from Amazon, be it a book or a razor, it helps to read the reviews. Most of them are full of great information, handy hints and generally give you a feel for the product.

But then there are those ones that are just a little bit, well, ridiculous. Whether written with a comedic bent or for some sort of internet experiment, they show that there’s nothing like a reviewer with attitude.

Here are eight of our favourites. What other ones would you add?

Veet for Men Hair Removal Gel

Veet for Men products promise hair removal in a jiffy, and as one reviewer says, it “does exactly what it says on the tin like Ronseal”. But for those who claim they used it on their face or other, erm, sensitive areas, the reviews make for eye-watering reading. “Lifts those unsightly eyebrows clean off,” claims one. “Effectiveness that knows no boundaries,” adds another, saying he spread a “quarter-sized dollop across my chest on a test-run”. While, like the product itself, they are not for sensitive types, the reviews are fanciful but entertaining.

Star Wars Luke Skywalker Ceremonial Jacket

Who wouldn’t want to own an Officially Licensed Star Wars Skywalker Ceremonial Jacket with Medal of Yavin? Not the 37 people who reviewed this item. “I was tired of getting hit on by beautiful women every time I went out in public, and then I bought this jacket. Problem solved,” writes one fan, who gave it five stars. “It’s a really nice jacket, even though it kills all your romantic feelings for the nice, responsible and even kind of attractive guy you give it to, so be careful with it,” warns another. We leave the final word to this reviewer, who said: “I used to be an unemployed movie theatre usher, but that all changed when I bought this jacket. Now I’m an unemployed movie theatre usher with one of these jackets.”

Cat Evacuation Kit

Cats have feelings too, so if you’re in a life-or-death situation that requires evacuating yourself and your family, spare a thought for your feline friend. Luckily, this cat evacuation kit exists – and even luckier that the reviews tell us how to ensure we use it correctly. One reader suggests removing a “few unnecessary items” like road flares and a ‘silver cat blanket’. Another complains that the bag is too heavy for his cat to carry during the evacuation. “I tried for several hours to get my cat to carry this kit during our emergency drill and it was pretty much impossible”, he notes. Consider yourself warned.

Wheelmate Laptop Steering Wheel Desk

Some items on Amazon are just begging to be bought – but not used. This may be one of them, as the tongue-in-cheek reviews prove. “You wouldn’t believe how much more interesting my commute is now that I have something to do other than just stare out the window!” says one reviewer. “This thing is great, I am actually writing this while driving,” says another. Although it is proclaimed to be “the greatest thing ever invented” by another reviewer, we’d urge caution before putting yours to use.

The Mountain Three Wolf Moon t-shirt

Every wardrobe needs a three wolf moon short sleeve t-shirt, not least because of the fanciful bonuses these reviewers claim it brings to your life. With more than 2000 reviews, buyers promise mystical fertility powers, protection from wolves, attractiveness to the opposite sex, and all sorts of life-changing goings on if you buy this top. But be warned about the charms that follow. “No one can handle what may happen,” says one reviewer.

BIC Cristal Stic Ball Pen

The BIC Cristal Stic Ball Pen, Medium Point, 1.0mm is functional, and most probably essential. “Since taking delivery of my pen I have been very happy with the quality of ink deposition on the various types of paper that I have used,” says one reviewer, who tells us that a helpful tip is to “let the ink dry for a few seconds” to avoid smudging. “What can I say… take the cap off, orient the pointy end to the paper, apply pressure and write,” sums up another. “No batteries required either.” In a technological world gone mad, it’s nice to know you can rely on the simplicity of a ball point pen – and its users.

Zubaz pants

Back to clothing, and the wonderful item that is Zubaz pants. Made from cotton and polyester, these pants are machine washable, and described as baggy pants with a “roomy fit”. As one reviewer puts it: “As I pulled the silky polyester over my legs I was simultaneously struck by a sense of awe and wonder. That’s when I fell over and nearly knocked myself out on the rear projection television in the living room.” Another gushes: “These pants not only spoke to me, they entered my soul and transformed me.” There’s no escaping the fact these are pretty powerful pants.

Everything Men Know About Women

Everything men know about women is contained in this book. “The best book every written”, says one reviewer. “Finally, the most accurate book on the subject, perfect for any coffee table,” notes another. But when you look closely, you see things are a little off. “I recommend this book for anyone embarking on marriage or experiencing trouble in their relationships past present or future,” suggests another. It’s only when you look at the book content that you see what’s up. It’s entirely blank…

Microwave Cooking for One

Living alone? Want to cook for yourself, but not really bothered with using an oven or other such device? Then it looks like this cookbook is for you. Interestingly, one reviewer – who calls it ‘a cure for lonliness (sic)’ – notes that he was wearing his Three Wolf Moon t-shirt when he discovered the greatness of this book. “I had no idea my microwave could do so much!” says another. Sadly one person warns: “I can think of no other book in the history of the English language that can so quickly melt the spirits of even the most jovial care-free soul.” Duly noted. Now, we’re off to have some Spam and a microwaved potato for dinner.

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