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Dublin: 13 °C Tuesday 19 March, 2019

9 office anti-productivity techniques you should have mastered

Read this. Come on, it’s better than working.

IT’S A CHALLENGE many of us face on a daily basis: how to get through your working hours without achieving too much.

If you work at home, this is no challenge at all. But if you’re in an office, the eye of your boss is everywhere. (Like God.)

Here are the key techniques you should be versed in.

1. Toilet Phone Viewing

How i know I've been sitting on the toilet using my phone for too long - Imgur The telltale sign of the Toilet Phoner Source: Imgur

Technique: Retire to the bathroom, either with or without a legitimate need. Enter a stall. Look at phone. Wonder how long you can keep it up before people wonder about you/start giving you sympathetic looks when you return to the office.

Challenges: Forgetting to put your phone on silent. Also, posting a comment somewhere (like Facebook) that your colleagues will also be looking at, and know you’re doing it from the jacks. Morto.

2. Work Decoying

Source: Imgur

Technique: Stare intently at your screen. Type furiously as if you are really, really getting down to it. Feel free to pause occasionally to ‘think’.

Challenge: Successfully angling your screen so superiors cannot see you are on Facebook.

3. Daydreaming

Source: Imgur

Technique: Dream of getting away from the rat race and setting up somewhere isolated. Imagine your days spent fishing/swimming/lying in a hammock. Try to ignore the fact that you would want to check Facebook after approximately five seconds of solitude.

Challenge: Keeping your eyes open is crucial to the appearance of productivity. However, it also makes daydreaming more difficult.

4. Coffee Breaking

Source: Imgur

Technique: Spend your day inventing reasons to go into the kitchen. Each time you’re in there, initiate The Chats with a co-worker. Keep this going until they say something like ‘Well, I guess I’d better be getting back to it’.

You should answer ‘Oh Jesus yes – no rest for the wicked!’ or similar, before returning to your desk for ten minutes or so and beginning the cycle again.

Challenges: Firstly, if more than one person in an office starts doing this, it will swiftly become obvious (and your conversations will get very boring).

Secondly, caffeine overdose is a terrible thing:

Source: Imgur

5. Online ‘Shopping’

Source: Imgur

Technique: Think of an object that you ‘need’. No, of course you don’t really need it. That’s not the point. Spend several hours finding the perfect version of that object, in the perfect colour, and comparing prices and shipping charge.

No, it’s not great, but the point is it’s not work.

Challenge: Accidentally blowing your paycheque on crap from the internet.

6. Desk Building

Source: Imgur

Technique: Take whatever is on your desk, in your drawers, or on the desks of any nearby colleagues. Build it into the tallest or most precarious structure you possibly can.

Challenge: Explaining to your boss how the stack of coloured pens and staplers teetering on top of your phone aids your workflow.

7. Office Politicking

Source: Imgur

Technique: This one is a slow burner. Over the course of several weeks, corner each of your workmates. Casually mention an indiscretion committed by a mutual colleague. Over time, resentment will fester and grow.

The consequent flow of aggrieved passive-aggressive emails will occupy your time nicely.

Challenge: Being able to live with yourself afterwards.

8. Nefarious Pranking

Source: Imgur

Technique: Wait for one of your colleagues to leave his/her desk. (Or fall asleep.) Take advantage of them.

Challenge: The risk of epic payback when you doze off yourself after a heavy desk-building session.

9. Sarcastic Note-Writing (Advanced Level Technique)

Source: Imgur

Technique: Find a note someone has left somewhere. (Kitchens are a good starting point, as are photocopiers.) Respond on an adjoining note.

Challenge: Finding enough notes to avoid being forced back to work in between them.

Are there any more? Can you help your fellow office workers out with tips and tricks? Let us know in the comments – sure it’s better than working anyway.

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About the author:

Michael Freeman

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