THIS WEEK, EMMA Morano, the world’s oldest living person, celebrated her 117th birthday and revealed her secrets to longevity.
Every few months, a very old person reveals their secret to a long and happy life, and they are always completely bonkers.
Let’s look back at some of these ~secrets~ and try glean some wisdom, shall we?
If you want to live for a long time, just do what 117-year-old Emma Morano did, and remain single and eat raw eggs every day.
If you see a man, run away from him. He will quite literally suck the life out of you. Oh, and eat porridge.
:)
Don’t forget to eat sushi and sleep lots!
But also don’t sleep too much because one of the secrets to longevity is hard work!
Supplement the raw eggs, porridge and sushi with sausages, rashers and cider vinegar.
While you’re at it, commence smoking immediately.
Don’t go to bed without having at least one whiskey.
Actually, scratch that. Make that one whiskey and three beers.
And expose yourself to wild, wild women as often as you can.
Eat loads of chocolate.
You should just avoid sex altogether and get really into yoga instead.
Consume all the bacon you possibly can.
Have no stress in your life :)
And if all that fails, just be a Japanese woman.
So, to recap…
- You should cut anything that isn’t bacon, chocolate, porridge, sushi, eggs and sausages out of your diet.
- Stop having sex immediately.
- No men.
- But lots of wild, wild women.
- Develop a serious smoking habit.
- Have beer and whiskey every day.
- Work hard.
- Practice yoga.
- Have no worries.
- Be Japanese.
Simple.
