Dublin: 15 °C Monday 25 September, 2023
# simon says
7 things we should get Simon Harris to sort out
The man can do anything apparently.

THE PRIME TIME debate last night seems to have made the entire country mad for Simon Harris. His incredible debating skills were on display as he debated Sinn Féin’s Peadar Toibín.

Given his performance, maybe it could be time to set Simon Harris on other problems around the place that need to be sorted out. Before you suggest the Health Service, this is a light hearted article. He obviously should also fix the health service.

Here are some suggestions.

1. Tayto or King?

This debate needs to be settled once and for all and Simon Harris is the man to do so. He’ll assess them both coldly and finally tell us which is the best. Like the reasonable man he is, he will not even consider Hunky Dorys. He will then turn his attention to the Lyons/Barry’s debacle.


Do any of us actually understand what GDPR actually is or why it’s important? No. Would we understand it if Simon Harris explained to us clearly and concisely? Maybe. It’s worth a shot.

3. Arsenal

I know Arsenal have just appointed a new manager but maybe someone should show them the debate from last night so they can appoint Simon instead. He’d definitely get that defence sorted out anyway.

4. Brexit

One of the best quotes from the debate last night was no doubt ‘I thought the last 700-800 years were supposed to be making sure that this country should stand on it’s own two feet’. Bearing this in mind we now politely request for Simon Harris to fight all the people proposing a hard border. And of course, Boris Johnson.

5. The *NSYNC hiatus

*NSYNC have been on hiatus since 2002 and frankly, they deserve a comeback. Simon Harris is the man to convince him to do so. Someone get him the number for Justin Timberlake.

6. Katy Perry

Katy Perry has been acting the absolute melt recently with her mean comments about Meghan Markle’s wedding dress. We’re just suggesting that Simon has a stern word with her. Nothing sinister.

7. Eamon De Velera

If we can just build a time machine, we can send Simon Harris back in time and make Dev write a better constitution. It’s a long shot but honestly it’ll probably cheaper than the 5 million other refernda we’re going to have to have.

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