Dublin: 14 °C Sunday 21 July, 2024

The 8 exhausting stages of a sober night out

It’s a hard day’s night.

CONGRATULATIONS, YOU’RE GOING out but you’re not drinking?

Preparation is key to your survival. Pre-empt what’s coming and you just might make it. Godspeed.

Stage 1: The questions

“Yeah, I’ll go out, but I’m not drinking”.

Brace yourself as the influx of confused looks and awe-struck queries that are bound to hit you.




Stage 2: Questioning everything

It’s your turn to ask the questions.

Sh-sh-should I have a drink? I mean, what would be the harm in one

There will never be a conclusive answer to this. Only torture.

confused Onegirl Onegirl

Stage 3: Initial determination

No. You can DO THIS. You don’t need alcohol to have fun.

It’s you against the beer.


Stage 4: Boredom

You realise you’re literally just sitting around chatting to people. You could do this anywhere, any time, any place where a coke doesn’t cost €3.


You’re noticing everything with your heightened senses. Was that antique radio always up there?

McDaid's pub WordRidden WordRidden

Stage 5: Isolation

It’s the first screech for shots and you’re ready to pour a bucket of tequila over your head just to feel like you’re not actually an alien.

Your awkward dancing isn’t exactly blending you in, either.


As if they can smell it on you, people are still asking you why you’re not drinking. How do they even KNOW?


Stage 6: Lethargy

Everyone’s dancing and basically being mad yolks and you’re already thinking of what food you have in the press you can eat in bed later.



Stage 7: Disgust with the world

It’s not an obligation, but you’ll inevitably end up helping someone who’s had a shot too-many, all in the knowledge that they’ll resent you telling them everything they did tomorrow.


If you do manage to make it to a sketchy afterparty, it will take ALL the willpower in the world to refrain from a) cracking a can or b) calling the guards.


Stage 8: Delight

Decent fun? Drove home? No hangover? Good night’s sleep? Absence of soul-crushing fear?

Check, check, check, check, CHECK.

You won, celebrate by going out out.


9 guilt-ridden stages of a mid-week night out>

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