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The 8 exhausting stages of a sober night out

It’s a hard day’s night.

CONGRATULATIONS, YOU’RE GOING out but you’re not drinking?

Preparation is key to your survival. Pre-empt what’s coming and you just might make it. Godspeed.

Stage 1: The questions

“Yeah, I’ll go out, but I’m not drinking”.

Brace yourself as the influx of confused looks and awe-struck queries that are bound to hit you.

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Stage 2: Questioning everything

It’s your turn to ask the questions.

Sh-sh-should I have a drink? I mean, what would be the harm in one

There will never be a conclusive answer to this. Only torture.

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Stage 3: Initial determination

No. You can DO THIS. You don’t need alcohol to have fun.

It’s you against the beer.

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Stage 4: Boredom

You realise you’re literally just sitting around chatting to people. You could do this anywhere, any time, any place where a coke doesn’t cost €3.

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You’re noticing everything with your heightened senses. Was that antique radio always up there?

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Stage 5: Isolation

It’s the first screech for shots and you’re ready to pour a bucket of tequila over your head just to feel like you’re not actually an alien.

Your awkward dancing isn’t exactly blending you in, either.

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As if they can smell it on you, people are still asking you why you’re not drinking. How do they even KNOW?

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Stage 6: Lethargy

Everyone’s dancing and basically being mad yolks and you’re already thinking of what food you have in the press you can eat in bed later.

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Stage 7: Disgust with the world

It’s not an obligation, but you’ll inevitably end up helping someone who’s had a shot too-many, all in the knowledge that they’ll resent you telling them everything they did tomorrow.

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If you do manage to make it to a sketchy afterparty, it will take ALL the willpower in the world to refrain from a) cracking a can or b) calling the guards.

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Stage 8: Delight

Decent fun? Drove home? No hangover? Good night’s sleep? Absence of soul-crushing fear?

Check, check, check, check, CHECK.

You won, celebrate by going out out.

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