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8 defensible-in-court reasons why Taylor Swift must be stopped

Are we out of the woods yet? ARE WE?

Ellen Degeneres, the pop princess. Source: taylorswift

LOOK, WE LOVE Taylor Swift.

But soon, she must be stopped. This nightly parade of increasingly farcical celeb mates must be stopped. The Calvin Harris cringefest must be stopped. The inevitable Twitter meltdown (we’ve all seen the Nicki Minaj cracks) must be halted.

Some arguments:

1. Everyone’s turning on her

There’s only so much we can take Taylor.

There’s only so much perfection mere mortals can stomach before we STOP pelting onto the dancefloor at weddings everytime Shake it Off comes on, and instead start haranguing the DJ to play Firework by your arch nemesis Katy Perry.

You’re losing us.

2. The ‘welcome to the stage’ jokes are starting to take on a degree of possibility

We’re starting to believe these could happen:

3. We have a low level suspicion that she’s taking the piss out of us

It was Matt Le Blanc that did it. Up until then we could kind of comprehend, somewhere deep in our souls, that every celeb she pulled up on stage was supposed to be there.

Until Matt Le Blanc.

matt

4. She’s obviously drugged or hypnotised Lisa Kudrow

Lisa Kudrow appeared on stage with Taylor last night to sing Smelly Cat.

We’ll just let that sink in for a few moments.

ph

Then, Lisa tweeted:

Allow us to remind you that Paul Rudd once played Lisa Kudrow’s TV husband on Friends.

Paul Rudd is The Best Person On Earth. Do not fight us on this. You will not win.

rudd

So, for Kudrow to suddenly make the dangerous and misguided statement that Taylor Swift is the best person she’s ever met, we can only assume that something is rotten in the state of Denmark.

5. Her 4th of July party

Sorry, but nobody is that wholesome. They managed to fit in cake-making, onesie-wearing, synchronised air-jumping, perfect swimsuit-wearing with NO visible body hair. And that’s just the stuff they took pictures of.

swiftparty-500x500

Off camera they were probably doing perfect French plaits while LAUGHING, reading swathes of Anne of Green Gables aloud to each other, successfully negotiating for a second season of Firefly and a My So-Called Life movie starring both Jared Leto and Claire Danes.

6. Calvin Harris

They’re just too tall and too biscuit coloured for us to look directly at. And he keeps taking mortifying steps to defend her honour on Twitter and she might have mouthed “I love you” at him from the stage the other night. It’s just too much.

Oh and remember when it was her best friend Karlie Kloss’s birthday and she posted this photo of Karlie but it was really of Calvin? Sickeners.

Some of my best memories have been with this girl, laughing in the kitchen. Happy Birthday to the ray of light that is @karliekloss. Source: taylorswift

7. What’s wrong with Dublin, Taylor, hah?

We got no celebrities. We got no “PLEASE WELCOME TO THE STAGE, NADINE COYLE’S MISSING PASSPORT”. If we can’t have nice things, then nobody can have nice things. We’re begrudgers. Look at the awful what we say about Bono.

Speaking of Bono, can’t believe he hasn’t been dragged up on stage yet.

Oh and she tried to shoehorn the word ‘Dublin’ into Blank Space and NOBODY was buying it:

https://vine.co/v/eJYvz03DeFU

8. Our own crushing sense of inadequacy

Glendale, AZ Night 1! Source: taylorswift

Let’s be honest. Nothing Taylor Swift is doing is really hurting us in any significant way.

And if we’re all being truthful we would pay good money to see Twink and Linda Martin (hugging, and wearing tshirts with each others face on them), Peig, grown-up Georgina Curley and Maude Gonne take to the stage alongside Taylor to show us that yes, they do indeed have some fries to go with that shake.

But she’s making us look and feel bad. She’s reminding us that we still haven’t set up a pension and there’s only so long we can avoid that weird smell in the hot press.

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About the author:

Emer McLysaght

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