1. There’s an unexpected pinch when you sit down – where the balls get caught between leg and chair – and it’s nearly impossible to legislate for
This is testicle physics – and it’s still a mystery.
2. People with balls don’t remember a time when they weren’t ridiculously wrinkly
The rest of your skin is smooth, but your balls look like a sculpture of Mick Jagger’s face made out of old leather.
3. Sometimes the balls unfurl themselves into a position that requires adjustment. And when this happens in public we know it looks bad
Not-so-subtle leg movements is the best course of action.
4. The fear when someone throws the remote onto your lap from a height and you have no free hands to catch it or protect yourself is real
5. The glorious pleasure of an extremely supportive pair of boxers is one of the only benefits of testes
6. When you do happen to get pelted in them – the pain graph goes like:
7. It’s a pain that starts off as a slow, creeping pain before spiralling out of control and moving up towards your stomach
Why?
8. Over enthusiastic dogs have a habit of sticking their heads right on the button
They do not understand the concept of human genitalia.
9. Rowing machines, bicycles and hot baths are all unique scourges of the two little troopers
Carefully does it.
10. The ball-check is a process that involves gently fumbling around looking for lumps in an already lumpy area
11. And finally… children under the age of five seem to take great pleasure in punches to the demilitarised zone
And that, truly, is a balls.
