Dublin: 15 °C Wednesday 5 October, 2022

The 18 people you'll meet at the beach this weekend

Which one are you?

1. The family excursionist

MAM AND DAD have packed up the car and are taking everything but the kitchen sink. They’ll take up half the beach with picnic tables, deck chairs and their own outdoor changing area. Sandy sambos, lukewarm cans from the coolerbox, and dripping cones are on the menu.


Oh, did you want to get by?

2. The restless sportsman

They’ll refuse to sit down and relax, instead, choosing to skid a ball across the sand right by where you are lying. Clad in a county jersey to top up their farmer’s tan, they’ll round everyone up for a kick-about or game of beach volleyball. Just be careful, there are a lot of half-naked people around.

Youtube/ MsMcSpeck

3. The idle teens

Sunny day or not, they’ll be there trying to get the shift behind ‘the rocks’ or drinking a few tinnies before casting their rubbish aside to cause hot debate on a phone-in talkshow the following night.

4. The burnt sun-worshipper

Frowned upon by many, warned by none. These types are convinced that any form of sunscreen will impair their ability to enjoy the sun, and sure sunburn be grand with a bitta aftersun.


The prolonged agony of sunstroke and the lingering smell of natural yoghurt are surely worth the dirty tan that will emerge a week later.


5. The overcautious parent

Baby Maisy is covered head-to-toe in a white paste, hat on head and is restricted to playing under a frilly umbrella. Look, the red flag is up, everybody back to the car. Be sensible or be sorry.


6. The master sculpture

Step on his three-tiered sandcastle with the moat feeding from the sea, and prepare to die.


7. The hilarious artist

Hey, hey, let me bury you so I can give you boobs.

Ah lads, he’s lost the head.

Tumblr/ Seapuke

8. The Aul Lad Hasselhoff

He hasn’t fit into those trunks in 20 years but God dammit it’s all he has left.


9. The thrillseeker

The current won’t get me. I can make this dive. I don’t need that ambulance.

The Chive


10. The exhibitionist

A towel? What’s that? They’ll strip off without so much as a glance around them, your eyes are the only victims.

11. The comfort creatures

The solution to uneven sand digging at your back? Bring the traditional comforts of the indoors, out. This lot insist on driving up the beach and setting up their whole living room right in the middle of your route from the deck chair to the sea.

Reddit/ TimMitchell

Better yet? Just drive straight into the ocean itself.

12. The freezing pessimist

They’ll dip their toe into the sea and immediately decide that it’s too cold.

I feel rain, do you feel rain?
The weather won’t keep, we may as well just go home now.


13. Animal lover

The animal lover will decide that the beach is the perfect place for their cuddly little pet to defecate and piss all over your modest but adored sandcastle. Or lunch. Or that bit of sand you just stepped on.

14. The ice cream connoisseur

Beware of the judgemental ice cream buyer. They will volunteer to go to the shop for the ice creams just to berate you for your choices. What do you mean a choc ice? What way were you dragged up at all?


15. The party animal

They spent twenty quid on those iPod speakers and they will damn well use them in all of their capacity.

They expect that a scene from MTV Spring Break will arise.


When reality is a whole lot different.


16. The young collector

Shells, tadpoles, seaweed, rocks, rubbish, the carcass of a dead seagull–they’ve got it all in a 60c net, and by God you’ll admire it.

…But not too much, or you could be welcoming a new addition to the family.


17. Wannabe surfer

It’s Bondi Beach, or whatever the Sligo equivalent is. These guys will wake up at dawn to chase the waves, pack themselves into a Micra and live out a Denny’s advertisement until the beach becomes mainstream again.

Let’s just hope they don’t have an overcautious Mammy.


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